


maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

by Doranwen



Category: Alphas (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Guilt, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 00:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 25,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12047553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doranwen/pseuds/Doranwen
Summary: An attack on one of her coworkers forces Nina to confront the reality of the effects her pushing has had on the people she cares about.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set just after Gaslight. I found myself wondering how Rachel would handle a situation like this, and once I started thinking about that, it was obvious that I had to set it not long after When Push Comes to Shove to take advantage of Nina's POV. Then Nina kind of took over the story, and it grew, and grew, and grew. It got to 20k in the first two weeks, and the rest trickled in between writing other things.
> 
> Having not been through this situation myself, I fudged some details where I couldn't google the answers. Between Nina's and Rachel's abilities, some things that might otherwise be inaccurate are, I hope, plausible.
> 
> I tried my best to be accurate with location-specific details, but I'm sure something's probably wrong somewhere; please excuse any errors of that kind!
> 
> Title taken from Switchfoot - Dare You to Move. That song was just **meant** for Nina after When Push Comes to Shove.
> 
> HopefulNebula must be credited for the many hours she spent listening to me ramble about this fic, and for the amount of time she spent reading and betaing it. The fic would not have gotten finished without her. Thank you!

It had begun a few days after their ordeal at the hospital. Rachel walked along the sidewalk to the entrance of their office building and stopped suddenly. Her hairs rose on end as she scanned her surroundings, but she could find no one specifically watching her. Someone was, though—she could swear it. She shivered involuntarily and went in to work.

Dr. Rosen and Bill were even less blasé about it when she mentioned it just before lunch. "The mind is capable of sensing when one is being observed," Dr. Rosen said. "If you think someone's watching you, they very well might be."

"I'll go with you to get your food," Bill told her.

"It's really not necessary," Rachel protested.

"It's not negotiable," he said. "You get a bodyguard anyway." She sighed and followed him.

She felt the watcher again when she stepped outside, but it faded away quickly, and by the time they returned with their meals, she had nearly forgotten about it.

"So, any sign of your observer?" asked Bill.

She shook her head. "Maybe I just imagined it."

He tipped his head in a shrug. "I'll see you out at the end of the day, anyway, just to be sure."

Once again the skin on her neck tingled when she stepped outside. "There it is again," she said, searching the area visually.

Bill scanned the streets, but without luck. "I'm not seeing anything," he said with a sigh. "Everyone looks normal. Come on, let me drive you to the nearest station at least. Keep an eye out in case someone follows you home, OK?"

"All right," she agreed. But there was no one following them that she could sense, and she went to bed that night with only a little worry.

* * *

The next day the eyes were back, and no matter how much Bill scanned the crowds outside, they could sense nothing. After the third day, with no sign of anything out of the normal, Rachel told him—and Cameron, who had returned from the brief visit to his son—that she didn't need a bodyguard anymore. "There probably isn't anyone anyway—my abilities are probably just picking up a quick glance past me and making it feel like watching." Cameron made a sound of protest. "I'm fine," she insisted.

Bill spread his hands in a motion of surrender. "We just want you to be safe."

"I know, and I appreciate it. But I really don't think there's any danger." She looked at Dr. Rosen. "Right, Dr. Rosen?"

The older man sighed. "You may be right. But be cautious, please."

"I will. Have a safe trip!" She smiled, and he smiled fondly back.

"I'm sure it will be that. It's only a day of meetings and paperwork in Washington, after all," he said as he gathered a few documents to add to his briefcase. "I'll see you all tomorrow afternoon, then." He lifted the briefcase firmly in one hand and pulled a small carry-on suitcase behind him. "I'd better leave now if I want to make the flight on time. Bill, you're in charge while I'm gone."

Bill nodded. "We'll be fine." Dr. Rosen disappeared down the hall. "And now we better get back to work if we want to get done in time for dinner."

Nina watched them drift back to their offices from the doorway of hers. Since Gary had taken over her former office, she was given a very small one that no one was using. It was barely large enough for her computer desk, but was out of the way enough that she wouldn't run into them constantly. It was something of a relief, despite her ache to have companionship, because of the awkwardness with the others. Cameron gave her sympathetic glances but he had his life with Dani now. Bill generally avoided her—or looked at her warily—and Rachel tried to pretend she didn't exist. Only Gary acted essentially the same towards her, which was reassuring.

She sighed and went back to work. She could only hope that time would change things, but it wasn't as if she didn't deserve it. It was, in a sense, her penance.


	2. Chapter 2

"That's strange," Gary said as he walked into the break room. He opened the fridge and pulled out his dinner.

Nina had been nursing a cold drink at one of the tables, not quite ready to leave for home despite having finished her work before the others. One of the conditions of being released into Rosen's custody had been that she had to live somewhere that didn't require her to push someone to afford it. The resulting apartment was tiny and lonely, and she spent as little time there as possible.

She looked up at Gary. "What's strange?"

"Rachel left to go home fifteen minutes ago, but her phone is in the alley that way," he said, pointing with his free hand. "I pinged it just to make sure she was getting home safe. Dr. Rosen asked me to do that every day." He turned to sit down and unpack the food.

"What?" Nina exclaimed, jumping out of her seat in a flash. "Cameron! Bill!" she shouted. They ran in seconds later, cued by the urgency in her voice. "Tell them what you just told me, Gary," she said.

He turned to the two men. "Rachel left fifteen minutes ago, but her phone's in the alley over there. Why didn't she go home?"

The men looked at each other and nodded almost imperceptibly. Cameron ran back out of the room briefly. "Which alley, Gary?" Bill asked.

"That one," he said, pointing again. "Down that way a couple buildings and then turn right."

"Thanks, Gary." Bill turned to Nina. "Let's go."

Cameron re-appeared with earpieces, dropping one on the desk. "Put it on, Gary."

"Work time is over, Cameron. It's time for you to go home. But not me. I live here. I'm already home."

"Gary, Rachel might be in trouble," Bill explained. "If she's fine, then we'll let you know and you can stop working. But if she's in trouble, we might need your help. Put it on, please. And tell us if her phone moves at all!"

"Oh, OK." Gary's grumbling was lost in the rush as the other three raced to the elevator.

No one needed to tell them to be quiet as they reached the entrance to the alleyway and began to creep down it. At first the sounds of their footsteps sounded abnormally loud, but soon Nina heard another sound on top of it, faint but growing. She barely had time to register what it was before the three of them came into view of a sight that would haunt her in nightmares for the rest of her life.

Rachel was lying still, very still, her dress shoved up to her stomach and underclothes pulled down to her ankles; the sound came not from her, but from the man moving on top of her. He glanced over and was off and down the alley in a heartbeat. Bill shouted back, "Nina, get her out of here!" as he and Cameron pursued the man around a corner.

Tears welled in Nina's eyes as she knelt by Rachel's side. "Rachel! Rachel, can you hear me?" The young woman's eyes were closed with no indication she was aware of anything going on. Only the steady rise and fall of her chest reassured Nina that she was alive.

Nina carefully pulled Rachel's underwear up and smoothed her dress down. "Rachel? Come on, Rachel, wake up," she pleaded. Rachel still appeared as if she were sleeping peacefully.

"We got him," came Cameron's voice in her earpiece, twenty seconds later.

"Bringing him back now," said Bill. "Where's Rachel now?"

"Still in the alley with me," Nina answered. "I can't get her to wake up!"

"Can you carry her back to the office, then?"

"I'll try," she told him. She slipped her arm through the handles of Rachel’s purse, lying discarded on the ground next to her. Then she took a deep breath and slid her left arm under Rachel's back, the right arm under her knees. The effort to stand up with the additional weight was almost too much, but she was able to steady herself and begin the slow trek back to the entrance.

At this hour of the evening, no one else was around the entrance, so it took a little maneuvering to press the right buttons to let herself in and get into the elevator. By the time it started moving up, her arms were screaming, and she had to lower Rachel's legs. She kept her left arm still around Rachel just under her armpits, and wrapped the other one similarly. Had it been any other situation, it would have appeared a very intimate hug, but the tears still present in Nina's eyes belied the reality of it. She resorted to half dragging Rachel down the hallway to her office, where she sat the young woman's body on the new couch and laid her down.

Her phone rang at that moment. She glanced at the caller ID - it was Rosen. She tapped the screen to answer it quickly and pulled off the earpiece, placing it on the desk. "Lee—" she began in a near-pleading tone.

"Yes, Nina, I know. Bill called me. Are you there with her?" His voice was soothing, despite the notes of worry and pain she could hear, and she clung to it.

"Yes, but she won't wake up." Her voice cracked, and she reminded herself to take a deep breath.

"Does it look as if she was struck by anything? Or choked?" he asked. "Any bumps or swelling on her head, or marks on her neck?"

Nina ran her fingers over Rachel's skull gently, then brushed Rachel's hair away from her neck to inspect. "Not that I can find."

"Victims of sexual—" his voice faltered for a moment before continuing, "—assault, sometimes their minds go elsewhere. With Rachel's ability…" he trailed off. "It may be that she was overwhelmed by her senses during the assault and shut her consciousness down to protect herself. As long as she doesn't appear in distress, let's try letting her come out of it on her own. Will you stay with her?"

"Yes, but—" Nina swallowed hard before finishing, "I think she would prefer someone else. I'm not her favorite person right now."

"I'm afraid you're the best option there is," Rosen told her. "She needs someone staying with her who knows how her ability works, and at this moment I think it would be wise if it were a woman as well. I'm asking them to send someone to come over to do the assessment and evidence collection there so she doesn't have to visit the hospital; I don't think that's the best place to bring her, under the circumstances."

Nina nodded. "Yeah." She closed her eyes and made herself take a deep breath. "When will you be back here?"

She could hear his sigh over the phone. "I'm afraid the earliest flight I can catch is tomorrow morning. You might want to plan on staying there overnight with her. I don't advise taking her anywhere else, particularly not her home."

"Of course."

"Thank you, Nina. I'll be available if you need to reach me."

"All right."

"Talk to you later," he said, and the phone beeped in her ear to signal the call had ended while she struggled to formulate a coherent response. She pulled Rachel's office chair over to the couch and sat down. As almost an afterthought, she lifted the phone again to call.

"You have her safe?" Bill's voice asked, answering after only one ring.

"Yes, she's in her office right now. Rosen said they were going to send someone here to evaluate her. He wants me to stay with her here."

"You." The tone of disbelief was unmistakable.

Nina closed her eyes. "He said she should have someone with her who knew her ability and who was a woman. I'm the only one that fits both."

Bill made an undefinable sound. "The guy's in lockup now."

"Not the hospital?"

"I wish. Look, we'll come by when we're done with the paperwork, see how she's doing."

"All right." Nina ended the call and set the phone on the desk within reach. She thought for a moment, then got up to turn off the lights. She stepped to the doorway. "Gary?" she called.

Gary poked his head out of his office. "Nina, is Rachel OK now? I saw you carrying her. You had your arms under her, and then around her."

How could she even begin to answer him? "She's better than she was. It was good that you told us about her phone. You really helped a lot with that." Nina tried to smile. "Listen, uh, someone's going to come to see her, someone from the police. When they get here, can you tell them she's in this office, show them where it is? Dr. Rosen wants me to stay in her office with her until then, so I can't do that."

"Oh, OK. Yeah, I can do that."

"Thank you, Gary," she said, giving him a brief smile of appreciation. Nina turned off the lights in Rachel's office, just in case, and returned to the chair to continue her quiet vigil.


	3. Chapter 3

The trouble with sitting quietly was that it left time for thinking. Nina's mind returned again and again to the moment in the club. The moment where she had pushed Rachel, forced her into an intimacy she never would have chosen. She had talked about her actions with Rosen, but she hadn't truly realized— How was she any better than Rachel's rapist? She had done essentially the same thing. She wouldn't blame Rachel if the other woman didn't want to speak to her in a million years.

A gasp came from the still figure lying on the couch. The next sound was a slight moan. Nina leaned forward in her chair. "Rachel?"

Rachel sat up slowly, hugging her knees to herself. "What are you doing here?" she asked in a flat tone.

"Dr. Rosen asked me to stay with you." She began by speaking in a normal voice, but as Rachel winced and covered her ears, Nina lowered it to the quietest of whispers.

Rachel's voice was barely audible this time. "Right. Well, I'm fine. So you can go now."

Nina stood. "I'll leave your office if you want, but someone's coming in a bit to examine you. Dr. Rosen called them."

Rachel covered her face. "I can't. All my senses are… Everything's too much."

"Bill and Cameron chased the guy down, but he might get away with what he did unless you go through with it," Nina said from next to the door.

Rachel started to shake. "I can't!" she cried.

Nina hesitated. "I—can make it so you can. If you want." She stood unmoving, aware of every breath, as she waited for Rachel's response.

Rachel's body stilled over the next fifteen seconds. There was a long pause. "OK," said Rachel quietly, her head still buried in her hands.

Nina returned to her seat for a few moments, staring at her own hands, when suddenly she heard Gary's voice through the wall. "I'm supposed to tell you Rachel's in her office. It's that door right there. Yeah, you're welcome. I'm going into my office now. Bye."

The other voice in the conversation was unclear, but Nina knew what she would find. With one last glance at Rachel, she stepped into the doorway to meet a woman dressed as a medical worker and carrying a case of some kind.

"I'm a nurse; I was asked to come here to do an exam for sexual assault. Are you Rachel?" asked the woman.

Nina shook her head. "She's inside here. Can you wait one minute?" She waited for an affirmative answer before she stepped back into Rachel's office and knelt by the couch next to her to whisper. "Rachel, the nurse is here. I'm going to need to turn the lights on. Are you ready?"

Rachel shook her head, her face still covered with her hands.

"I can make you calm for this, but you have to look at me," said Nina. She watched Rachel steadily as the other woman slowly lifted her face away from her hands enough to look at her. Nina's heart broke a little more at the look in Rachel's eyes, but steeled herself and turned her voice into push mode in a whisper. "You are calm; your senses are not overwhelming you. You will stay calm until the nurse is done examining you." She hoped she had pushed no more than she had to, for Rachel's sake.

Rachel sat up quietly, and didn't flinch when Nina flicked the light switch on. "You can come in now," Nina called to the nurse, and began to close all the blinds.

* * *

Rachel had, surprisingly, agreed to Nina staying in the room while the exam was done. After a bit, Nina heard Bill and Cameron's voices, and had to excuse herself briefly to step out of the room. "Hey," she greeted them quietly. She realized her face probably looked a sight; she hadn't done anything to fix her makeup and at least one tear had escaped from her eyes in the last few hours. "So, he's all locked up and going nowhere?"

"Yeah, they're gonna hold him awhile. Rachel in there?" Bill asked.

Nina nodded. "The nurse only finished asking questions; she's now taking pictures."

"How's she doing?" asked Cameron.

Nina closed her eyes and shook her head. "I had to push her to be calm just to do the exam; I—"

Bill interrupted before she could get another word out. "You **pushed** her?" His voice was deadly cold, and he leaned a little towards Nina.

Nina stared into Bill's eyes for a moment, making him flinch a little. "She said I could, OK? Because otherwise she would be in hysterics just having the light on, or hearing us talk above a whisper, or—" Her voice caught, and she abruptly turned her back on Bill, facing the door. She stood there for a moment, eyes closed, trying to breathe without shakiness. "I'd better get back inside in case it wears off before they're done, all right? When she comes out of it, I'll let her know you asked about her." Nina didn't wait for an answer before re-entering the office and closing the door behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

Nina had never realized just how long a sexual assault exam was. With her ability, she'd never been close to a situation where she would need to experience one. One look at a potential assailant and she could have him home before he had another thought. But Rachel… Rachel had no such protection. Rachel didn't even have any ordinary self-defense skills. Rachel was, in short, vulnerable. Very, very vulnerable, in more than one way. Nina wasn't sure if she could ever forgive herself for abusing that knowledge.

"Well, I think we're done here," the nurse told Rachel, who stood silently in the middle of the room with nothing on, as her clothes had been removed to evidence bags. "You can get dressed in a spare outfit now. The police will be following up with you soon." The nurse turned to Nina. "You'll be staying with her?"

"Yeah," Nina answered with a nod.

"Good. I'll just head out, then." She gathered up everything she had brought - as well as the evidence she'd collected - and left the office.

Nina watched the door close behind the other woman, then turned back to Rachel, who hadn't moved. "Rachel?" she called quietly.

Rachel shuddered for a second, then suddenly covered her face. "Light," she moaned.

Nina hurried to the light switch and flicked it off. "Rachel," she whispered, "where do you keep your extra change of clothes?"

Rachel shook her head, lowering her hands, but still staring at the floor. "Didn't bring in a new set yet after I had to change the other day."

"Mine's still in my office. Do you want to try and see if you can make them work? Or I can call Bill or Cameron to go get something from your parents' place. They asked about you, you know." Nina had her doubts about Rachel trying to wear any of her clothes - Rachel might be shorter but was definitely built stockier. When they had shared an apartment, they had found very little of their wardrobes compatible.

A hint of a smile appeared briefly on Rachel's face at hearing the others' concern for her, but she shook her head again. "Can't fit into your pants."

"Do you want me to call them, then?" Nina waited patiently for Rachel to answer; each question seemed to take three times the normal processing time.

"Yeah."

"OK, is there a specific set of clothes you want them to bring?" Nina asked.

Rachel shook her head once more, helplessly.

"All right, I'll ask them to bring a couple sets. Where do you keep your suitcase?"

"Under the bed."

"OK. Can you wrap this blanket around yourself so you stay warm until then?" Nina lifted the throw off the couch and held it up to Rachel, who slowly took it and did as she was bid. "I'll be right outside calling them, OK?"

"OK," came Rachel's voice, so hesitant and pitiful that Nina had to swallow hard again before she could take her phone and exit the office.

Once outside, she dialed Cameron. "Nina?" His voice sounded groggy.

"Cameron, I need you to do something. Can you go to Rachel's parents' house and pack her a suitcase with some clothes? Pajamas, everyday wear, underthings?"

"What?"

Nia sighed. "She doesn't have anything to change into. Please Cam, just do it. There's a suitcase under her bed to put the clothes into."

"All right," he said with a yawn. "Text me their address."

"Yeah." She'd have to ask Rachel. Nina had had it once upon a time, but over the last year…

* * *

Rachel huddled on the couch, the blanket barely wrapping around her. Nina scooted to the edge of the chair to help bunch a couple of the ends together. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her that she was long past overdue for a meal. "Hey, are you hungry at all?" she asked Rachel. "There's some organic frozen yogurt in the freezer of the fridge in the break room; I could bring you a bowl." She held her breath for the answer.

Slowly Rachel lifted her head up a little, but still stared at the floor. "OK." She leaned forward and rested her chin on her knees again.

"All right." Nina bit her lip for a moment, then released it as she turned to go.

* * *

Nina returned with the bowl of frozen yogurt to find Rachel in the same position. "I have the yogurt here," she said, holding out Rachel's bowl to her. Her other hand held her own bowl. Once Rachel took hers, she settled back into the chair and lifted a spoonful to her mouth, eating as quietly as she could manage.

Rachel wrapped the blanket around her in a way to leave her hands free and attempted to take a bite, but had to set the spoon down quickly with a little cry of pain.

"What is it?" Nina asked.

"It's too cold. Hurts." Rachel held the edges of the bowl carefully in her hands, avoiding the areas the yogurt was touching.

Nina thought back to some of the things she had learned to help while Rachel stayed with her. "Focus on what you can see, then; tune your other senses out. Look straight ahead, or at the couch or something," she suggested.

Rachel was still for a moment, then eventually picked up the spoon and began to methodically eat the yogurt in her bowl. 

Nina watched Rachel out of the corner of her eye as they both ate. Her face was blank, every mouthful swallowed without any attention paid to it - a sign that the technique was working, at least. Nina finished her bowl first, and cradled it in her hands in her lap as she waited for Rachel to tune back into her other senses. She could tell the moment it happened, as Rachel finished her bowl and lifted it out mutely for Nina to take.

"I'll be right back," Nina told her as she headed to dispose of the two bowls. She dumped them in the trash and walked back to Rachel's office. "Rachel, it's Nina," she called softly to alert Rachel to her presence before putting her hand on the doorknob.

Rachel flinched a little at the light coming in through the open door, and Nina shut it quickly. She sat down in the chair next to the couch again and let her eyes adjust to the dim light once more. Rachel had gone back to huddling with her face in her knees, clutching the blanket around her. Nina watched the dark head, its curls tumbling around the top of the blanket, and realized that there was absolutely nothing to do until Cameron returned with clothing.

Every part of her wanted to do **something** , anything, to get back the old Rachel, even the one that had rejected her and didn't want her around anymore. But her instincts told her that was impossible. There was no way back, only forward. The one thing she could do right then, she was already doing - sitting there quietly.

Her mind searched for something to focus on besides that night at the club - how could she **ever** have done that? - but could only come up with the conversation in the break room, when Gary was preparing to go to Anna's service. She had told Rachel, 'I know my actions hurt a lot of people'. She had even apologized for what she did to Rachel specifically. But she hadn't understood until now what it was she actually **had** done to Rachel. It wasn't like stealing from a store by 'buying' a new purse or a pair of shoes. It wasn't like getting free rent on an apartment she should never have been able to afford. It wasn't even the same as making a friend shoot at another friend in defense of her, as bad as that was (and how Cameron didn't hate her, she wasn't sure). No, she had **violated** Rachel. The other woman might not remember her actions, she might not have felt trapped or unable to get away - because Nina had taken even that from her.

Never before had it hit her just what her pushing ability was - a weapon. A weapon that could be turned against her friends and the people she cared for most in the world, just as easily as it could be turned against rogue Alphas bent on murder. And she had treated it as lightly as if she'd walked around with a loaded gun and pointed it at people's faces. She had deceived herself by saying it was no big deal, that pushing for this or that here and there didn't really hurt anyone. Truthfully, it was a slippery slope; pushing a store clerk to give her an item led to greater and greater thefts. And when her friends had tried to stop her destructive path, she had pointed herself at them and fired, and ignored the devastation she left behind.

Nina leaned forward on her elbows, resting her face in her hands. She had told Lee that he couldn't trust her - but the truth was that she couldn't trust herself. Not to make a judgment call on her own about when or when not to push someone. No, she would have to run each push by someone, such as when she offered the option to Rachel - to use their judgment, because hers was faulty. And if she ever thought otherwise, all she had to do was close her eyes and see that look of betrayal in Rachel's.

If it had been anyone else… She couldn't push Gary, anyway, and that was a relief to her; she would never be able to mess up her relationship with him directly that way. And any of the others, it wouldn't have mattered as much. She'd already betrayed Lee so many times, and Cam, and Bill… But there had been an innocence, a trusting nature about Rachel, that Nina had treasured. And she had ruined it.

She lifted her head, wiping her eyes quickly, and looked at Rachel again, still unmoving, then around at the room. There was no way she was going to go home and leave Rachel alone, which left exactly one option. "Rachel?" There was a slight movement from the blanket-wrapped form on the couch. "Rachel, is it OK if I bring a blanket from my office in here?"

"On my couch?" came the muffled query.

"No, on the floor."

"OK," Rachel mumbled after a moment. There was silence for a minute, then Nina could hear her voice again. "Can you push me again?"

Nina blinked. "Why?"

"I've got to go to the bathroom."

Of course. Rachel hadn't gone anywhere but her office since the attack, and the hallway, even at half the lighting for the janitorial crew, was still far brighter than she could handle at that point. "All right. When you're ready." She was relieved that the janitorial crew had finished cleaning their area during the exam; the last thing they needed was for Rachel to have to dodge unfamiliar men with nothing but a blanket around her.

Rachel lifted her head up to look at Nina again. "I'm ready."


	5. Chapter 5

Nina waited outside the ladies' restroom, her blanket on her arm. She had figured the best time to retrieve it would be while Rachel was using the restroom, so Nina had told Rachel to take her time when she pushed her and had rushed through her own trip. The fewer times she had to open the office door, the better. She shifted the blanket's position, enjoying the softness. In her tiny office, the air conditioning seemed to hit the hardest; she'd found a blanket invaluable on some days.

"Nina." She turned her head to see Cameron walking down the hallway, carrying a pale blue suitcase. "I hope this is what you wanted." He placed it on the ground next to her.

She looked at his tired face. "I'm sure it'll be fine. Thanks, Cam."

He gestured to the bathroom. "She in there?"

Nina nodded.

"Any better with controlling her senses?" he asked.

She shook her head, closing her eyes as she leaned back against the wall next to the door. "Asked me to push her just to be able to do this." Just then the door started to open, and Nina immediately stepped in front of it. "Wait inside until I tell you," she pushed Rachel. She turned back to Cameron. "What did you tell her parents?"

"Special project at work, she wasn't able to get away, I had orders to get her stuff, call the boss if they have questions, that sort of thing."

"Good." Nina breathed a little sigh of relief.

Cameron lifted his hands, palms out. "Hey, I know better than to tell them anything. That's Rachel's call."

"Thanks again. I'm sure she appreciates your help."

"No problem. Just… take care of her for us all, OK?"

Nina had to squeeze her eyes shut, and nodded to answer, not trusting her voice. She opened them again after a moment to see Cameron walking back to the elevator. When he had rounded the corner, she turned back to the door. "All right, Rachel, you can come out now and go back to your office." She followed the other woman back, carrying the blanket and suitcase. The push wore off exactly as she had designed - as the door closed behind them.

"Cameron brought you some of your clothes, OK? See if there's something you can feel comfortable in," she told Rachel. Nina set the suitcase down and opened it.

Rachel slowly knelt in front of it, sorting through the items until she pulled out a pair of underwear and some matching silk pajamas. Nina looked away to give her some privacy as she slowly pulled on the articles of clothing. Now clothed, Rachel found a pair of warm socks to put on her feet. Every movement was prolonged, her shoulders hunched defensively against the assault on her ears and eyes.

Nina closed the suitcase and moved it around behind her desk, then returned to sit in the desk chair which was still parked beside the couch. Rachel had returned to hugging her knees. Nina picked up the blanket Rachel had had around her. "You need to try and get some sleep," she whispered to Rachel.

"I don't think I can," Rachel admitted.

"At least you can lie down and try? Come on, I'll tuck you in," Nina said. She waited for Rachel to lie down, and draped the blanket over her carefully before getting up to move the chair back to behind the desk.

"What are you doing?" Rachel asked.

Nina picked up her blanket from where she'd set it on the floor. "I'm clearing myself a place to sleep," she said, unfolding the blanket as she laid down on the floor. She laid the blanket over herself as completely as she could, wishing it were about twice the size. It didn't matter, though; her comfort was not important right then. It wasn't as if she'd taken Rachel's comfort into account when she had pushed Rachel to kiss her; she knew full well what effect it would have on Rachel. Any discomfort on her own part was well-deserved, Nina thought.

Nina closed her eyes and wished for morning to arrive quickly - and with it, Lee.

* * *

Nina couldn't pinpoint what had awoken her, but it was clearly not morning yet, as evidenced by the darkness outside and relative quiet. Her back ached from lying on the hard floor, and she sat up to rub it, only to discover Rachel huddled on the couch again. "Rach?" she asked in the quietest of whispers.

"Everything's so loud and bright. I keep seeing bits of the streetlights, and hearing the ventilation system, and drunk people on the sidewalk downstairs… I'm just so tired!" Rachel's whisper had a sense of desperation to it.

Nina took a deep breath. There was one more thing to try - if Rachel didn't freak out at the suggestion. "Do you want me to try to help you balance your senses like we used to when we shared an apartment?" She held her breath waiting for the answer. When it came, it was the tiniest "yes" she had ever heard from anyone. Nina let out her breath slowly. "OK, I think it will be easiest if I sit on the couch, then."

Rachel nodded almost imperceptibly, scooting over to give Nina plenty of room to sit at the end.

"All right, let's try having you lie down again - this time, with your head in my lap," said Nina. Rachel did as she was told, curling up in something of a fetal position, and Nina spread the blanket back over Rachel's lower torso and legs. "OK, now try to relax, and focus on the touch as you need to in order to pull back on the other senses." Nina began to run her fingers gently through Rachel's hair, switching to gentle smoothing of her palm over Rachel's back. Rachel's shoulders were tenser than Nina had ever felt them, and occasionally she had to pull away when her sense of touch suddenly magnified, but gradually she began to relax. Nina kept it up until Rachel's breathing evened out finally. She leaned back against the couch as best she could and closed her eyes again.


	6. Chapter 6

"Aaaaaaaah!" came the scream through the walls. Nina woke with a jolt; it took her a second to recognize the sound as Gary's morning screams.

Rachel lifted her head upright in a hurry. Her eyes darted back and forth fearfully, and her breath came in little gasps.

"Rachel, it's just Gary, screaming like he does in the morning," Nina reassured her. The words didn't seem to register. "It's OK, it's just Gary," Nina repeated. Slowly Rachel's breathing began to calm down, but she still looked at Nina a little desperately. "You want me to hold you and try balancing your senses again?" Nina stretched one arm along the back of the couch and the other along her lap, open in case the answer was 'yes', but without the expectancy of an affirmative response.

Rachel looked down for a moment, then scooted closer to Nina and leaned sideways into her. Nina's arms came up to wrap around Rachel, and one hand drew the blanket up somewhat, then began the same pattern of stroking and smoothing.

Nina lost track of time as they sat there, her motions lulling Rachel into a more relaxed state. Rachel's eyes were closed, but Nina could tell from the rigidity of her back that she was awake.

Suddenly, a knock sounded at the door. "Rachel? It's Dr. Rosen. May I come in?"

Rachel nodded against Nina, who whispered, "Focus on my hands; tune out the sound now." Nina ran her hand over Rachel's back a different direction than she had been, and waited till Rachel nodded again. "You can come in now," she called.

He opened the door; then, recognizing what the darkened room meant, quickly closed it behind him and wheeled the chair over to sit down across from Rachel. "Rachel?" he called quietly, leaning forward.

Nina lightly tapped her fingers on Rachel's back. "Dr. Rosen?" Rachel said with a shaky voice, eyes still closed tightly.

"I'm here now," he said softly. "I'm here."

Nina felt the tears returning to her eyes when she saw his. She opened her arms to release Rachel as the other woman sat up slowly and began to open her eyes.

"Dr. Rosen," Rachel said again, a little breathless, and started to cry. She fell into his arms as he folded her gently into them.

Nina watched his face; his eyes were squeezed shut, his breath uneven, and lines of pain spread across his face as he held Rachel to him. "My dear Rachel," he said after a bit, cradling her head with one hand before pushing her back and holding her face in his hands. "It has been a very difficult night, hasn't it?" Rachel nodded with tear-streaked cheeks. "How much sleep did you get?" he asked.

"I… don't know…" She looked at Nina helplessly, and Rosen glanced over to Nina as well.

"No more than four hours, I'm guessing," Nina told him.

He nodded, focusing on Rachel's face again. "Are you hungry?"

Rachel shook her head. "I'm too tired to be hungry."

"Then right now what you need more than anything is some rest," he said. "I think it might be best if I gave you a sedative, to let you get some sleep. Then when you wake up, we can talk some more, hmm?"

Rachel nodded wearily. "OK."

"Now, I'm going to go get that ready, and I'll be back in a few minutes, all right?"

"OK," she whispered. As he got up to open the door, she leaned back into Nina's arms again, closing her eyes.

* * *

It was barely five minutes later when Rosen returned. In one hand he held the syringe; in the other, a bottle of water. He laid the syringe on the desk and held the water out silently. As Rachel's fingers slid around the bottle to get a grip on it, he spoke, "I think you're also slightly dehydrated. Drink at least half of this, and then I'll give you the sedative, and you can rest awhile."

Rachel winced at the sound of the bottle cap opening, but recovered to lift the bottle to her lips. The others sat silently as she took long drinks of water, swallowing as she was able. She stopped when the bottle held only a third left, screwing the cap back on and handing it to Rosen, who exchanged it with the syringe. She mutely held out an arm, and he expertly injected the drug, rubbing at the injection site briefly afterwards.

"There we go," he said. "Just relax and let it work."

Rachel didn't even look at Nina this time as she leaned over, Nina's arms automatically going around her and starting the familiar pattern. Nina could tell when the sedative took effect, as Rachel's body went limp and slumped heavily against her. "She's out," Nina said.

Rosen nodded. "Let's get her lying down and comfortable, then."

Nina lifted Rachel upright long enough to slide out from under her, then carefully tucked Rachel's blanket around her. She gazed at Rachel for a second, but was distracted by Rosen placing a hand on her shoulder. She tried to smile at him, but ended up ducking her head as she stood up and stretched tired muscles.

"You need to sleep too, Nina," he said. "Rachel will not wake for several hours. Go home and get some rest; you're looking worn out yourself. And drink some water as well." She closed her eyes and nodded, not trusting herself to look at him, but neither one moved. "What is it?" he asked her.

She opened her mouth, but it was a few seconds before words emerged. "I… just can't stop thinking about what I did to her. I **forced** myself on her, just like—"

"No," he interrupted. "What you did was very wrong, yes, but it was not the same thing and not for the same reasons, and Rachel knows this, Nina."

Nina lifted her eyes to meet his; she blinked back another tear. "I'm glad you're back, Lee."

"I am too." He gestured for her to precede him out the door, then turned his head to catch sight of Cameron. "Cameron, would you take Nina home? I don't think she should be trying to take public transportation in her current state."

"Sure thing, Doc." He stepped into the gear room to grab the keys for one of the vehicles. Then he checked back to see if Nina was following, and made for the elevator.

Neither one said anything until in the car, when Cameron asked, "So, same apartment as before?"

"No," said Nina quietly. She told him her new address and spent the rest of the ride staring out the window.

Cameron didn't try to make any conversation, only asking as he pulled up, "This the place?" He peered at the building, much shabbier than her former penthouse.

"Yeah, this is it. Thanks." She got out of the car, but turned back before closing the door. "Tell Rosen I'll catch the subway back in later."

Cameron nodded, and she closed the car door before heading to her apartment. She grabbed a bottle of water from her fridge and downed nearly half of it in one swig. Then she changed clothes almost in a light trance, closed the blinds on her one window, and crawled into bed, welcoming the oblivion awaiting her.


	7. Chapter 7

Nina opened bleary eyes to look across the room at her alarm clock. Past noon already. She **had** been tired. But she had said she'd be back that afternoon, so she had better get moving. A shower and a bowl of instant oatmeal later, and she was out the door.

She walked into the office to find it mostly deserted. Rachel's door was closed; she presumed Rosen was talking with her since his office seemed to be empty. Bill and Cameron both seemed to be out of their offices. Only Gary was visible as she walked past.

"Oh, Nina, you left your phone here. Dr. Rosen gave it to me. I charged it for you." Gary held it out.

Nina smiled at him. "Thanks, Gary. I was too tired to remember it this morning."

"You stayed here all night. With Rachel."

"Yeah, I did. She needed someone with her," she said.

Gary looked at her. "It's good that you're not in jail. If you were in jail, you couldn't have helped Rachel. Dr. Rosen said it was good that you were here."

Nina's smile turned a little melancholy. "You helped Rachel a lot too, Gary. We wouldn't have known anything was wrong except for you."

"Yeah. That's right." He thought for a second, then went on. "Dr. Rosen said you were a good friend to Rachel. He said that she needs good friends right now. Because she was hurt, and she might act differently."

"That's right, Gary. You just keep on being the good friend you already are, OK? I know Rachel appreciates that."

"Yeah. OK," he said, and turned to walk back into his office.

Nina sighed as she settled into her own office chair. It was high time she got to work; there were a few forums she'd been monitoring for Red Flag activity, and she hadn't had the chance to look at them thoroughly yesterday. She pulled up the VPN software Gary had set up for her, and started it running so she could visit the first forum.

* * *

A knock on her door startled Nina out of her focus. "Mind if I come in?" Rosen asked, standing in the doorway. She had left the door cracked both for air and to hear everything going on, but he closed it behind him with a nod from her. He settled in the chair across from her, but looked down at the desk first.

"How's Rachel doing?" Nina asked.

He sighed. "She's handling being in her office with partial lighting now." He looked into Nina's eyes. "She relied on you very heavily last night. And you didn't let her down."

Nina's eyes grew teary as she shook her head, staring down at her hands in her lap. "I've already let her down so much; this was the least I could do…"

"Nina." The quiet voice held the same mixture of command and love that she had heard in the hospital bed after her suicide attempt, and she responded similarly as she looked at him. "Last night you were the friend that Rachel needed—to keep the world at bay, to get her through experiences she wasn't ready for, and to calm her senses when they were heightened beyond bearability. Thank you."

At the last two words, Nina could no longer hold back the tears; she covered her face with her palms and just sat there until she felt hands on her shoulders, guiding her upright. She felt herself pulled into his arms for a minute, then gently pushed back.

"Rachel asked about you earlier; I told her you'd gone home to sleep, but I think she'd like to talk with you. If now's a good time…?" he trailed off, eyebrows raised in a question.

Nina nodded. "Yeah, of course." She wiped her eyes and followed Rosen out of her office. She hesitated in front of Rachel's office, but eventually got up the nerve to knock. "Rachel? It's Nina."

"Come in," she heard Rachel call.

Nina opened the door and closed it behind her. The blinds were still drawn, and the overhead light was still off, but Rachel's little desk lamp was on one of the dimmer settings, which bathed the room with a soft warm light. Rachel was on the couch, sitting up from where she had been lying. The desk chair had been left sitting across from the couch, so Nina went over to it and sat down. "Rosen said you wanted to see me."

Rachel studied Nina's face for a few moments; Nina wondered whether her eyes were visibly red to Rachel in the low light. "I wanted—" she began, looking down, "I wanted to tell you thank you for staying with me last night. You were there when my senses turned back on, and you didn't leave."

Nina half-smiled as she ducked her head. "He asked me to stay," she said in a quiet voice.

"He said you carried me," Rachel said, half-questioning.

Nina could feel Rachel's eyes on her. "Yeah. Bill and Cameron went after, well," she said as she gestured loosely with one hand. "And I couldn't get you to wake up."

There was a beat of silence, then Rachel's voice. "Thanks."

Nina shook her head. "You shouldn't be thanking me, Rachel."

"What do you mean?" Rachel's forehead was wrinkled in confusion.

"I don't deserve it, not after what I did to you." Nina studied her lap. "I betrayed you in the worst possible way, and it wasn't until last night that I realized just how badly." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. "Look, I know I can't possibly make it up to you. But if there's ever anything I can do for you… I owe it to you."

"OK," Rachel said softly.

The look Rachel gave Nina was reserved but held no animosity, and Nina's relief at seeing it almost brought more tears to her eyes. "I'd better let you rest," she told Rachel. "I'll be in my office down the hall. Text if you need me."

Rachel nodded, and Nina gave her a quick smile as she got up and went back to work.

* * *

Nina closed her laptop's lid and slipped her phone into her purse before getting out of her chair. It was long past her usual leaving time, but with the late start she'd had, she figured she might as well stay a few hours into the evening. She flicked off the light and closed her door behind her. As she passed Rachel's office, she noticed the light still on, so she knocked gently on her door. "Rachel? It's Nina."

A faint "come in" reached Nina's ears, so she opened the door and poked her head in. "I'm just heading home for the night. How are you doing? Do you need anything?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, I'm good. Bill brought me dinner, and, uh, yeah." She flashed Nina a hesitant smile.

Nina nodded. "Staying here tonight?" Rachel dropped her eyes to her lap, all traces of her former smile gone, and Nina sighed. "I'd do the same thing, if I were in your position."

Rachel looked up to meet Nina's gaze. "Really?"

"Yeah." Nina glanced away for a moment. "Anyway, you know how to reach me. Any time, OK?"

"OK."

Nina closed the door softly behind her and started for the place she called "home" now.


	8. Chapter 8

"Good morning, Gary," Nina greeted as she walked past his office the next morning.

"Good morning, Nina."

"Did you sleep well?" she asked, pausing in the doorway.

"I did. I slept well, but Rachel didn't sleep. She stayed awake all night. She should sleep; it's important to get eight to ten hours of sleep every night," he informed Nina.

"You're right; it is. She didn't sleep?"

Gary shook his head in his particular way. "That's what I just told you. Dr. Rosen said she didn't sleep at all. So he gave her a shot to make her sleep."

Nina bit her lip. "Thanks for letting me know, Gary."

"Oh, you're welcome." He flicked his fingers some more as Nina walked off, a little frown on her face.

* * *

Nina rapped on the door to Rosen's office, opening it a little a few seconds later. "What is it, Nina?" he asked, looking up at her.

She closed the door behind her and gazed at his face, noting the worry around his eyes. "Gary told me that Rachel didn't sleep last night."

He sighed, looking down for a moment. "I'm afraid the night holds too many fears for her to face alone right now."

"He also said you had to sedate her."

He nodded, not meeting her eyes.

She studied him for a minute as he wrote some notes at his desk. "This isn't working, is it?" she asked. "Her sleeping here, alone."

"I believe you are correct. I'm not sure what options we have, though. I don't believe she plans to ever tell her parents what happened." He pressed his fingers to his temple and forehead.

Nina nodded once, slowly. "I wouldn't, if I were her." She turned to go, then looked back at him. "I'll let you know if I think of something."

He dipped his head in response and went back to the notes.

* * *

Nina finished the last bite of her sandwich and tossed the sack in the trash. Her days of pushing waiters to believe she had already paid for her dinner were over, and she'd found it was cheaper to pack her own sandwiches than to buy lunch. It also made it easy to avoid everyone else if she wanted to; it wasn't like she couldn't eat at her desk if she felt like doing so. But it was simpler just to adjust the time; Bill tended to eat early, so she had learned to eat later. She walked out of the break room, and glanced over at the other offices. Gary was working on something with his laptop; so was Cameron. Bill was on the phone with someone. Rachel's office still had all the blinds drawn.

Nina drew near to it, lifting a hand to knock. She hesitated for a second - she didn't want to actually wake Rachel up, though it was getting late in the day - and finally knocked softly. "Rachel?" She took the faint sound as an invitation and twisted the doorknob, pushing it a few inches. The interior was so dark that it was hard to make out Rachel, curled up on the couch. A slight movement barely visible confirmed Rachel was awake, and Nina slipped in, letting the door click quietly behind her. She took a seat in the chair that had seemed to migrate to a permanent station by the couch, and leaned forward.

Rachel still lay on the couch, curled up with limbs pressed tightly against her. Her eyes watched Nina as Nina began, "I heard you didn't sleep last night."

Rachel's eyes flicked away from Nina, and she shook her head a little.

"What was it?" Nina asked. She waited patiently, unmoving, as Rachel thought about her answer.

At last, Rachel spoke. "I kept hearing noises. I knew it was only the janitors doing the routine cleaning, but—"

"—But what you knew and what you felt weren't the same thing, right?"

Rachel looked at Nina with something akin to relief. "Yeah."

Nina answered the unspoken question. "I've sat through my share of shrink sessions; some of it actually sticks." She smiled at Rachel, and was rewarded with a little smile in return. Her face grew serious for a moment. "What are you going to do about tonight?"

Rachel pushed herself to a sitting position and pulled her knees under her chin as she stared at the ground. "I don't know," she whispered.

"Would it help if I put an air mattress next to your couch and slept in here so you weren't alone?" Nina offered.

Rachel chewed her lip. "Yes, but… The vinyl they make those with smells so horrible; it makes my eyes burn."

"Foam padding, maybe? I could stack a few of them together," suggested Nina.

Rachel shook her head morosely. "They shed little particles everywhere. And they smell too. Not as bad as the vinyl, but…"

"I get it," Nina said with a nod. "A big pile of blankets? If I put enough of them on the floor, it'll be thick enough to sleep on."

"Nina, you don't have enough thick ones to do that," Rachel pointed out.

"I could get some."

Rachel's face became blank. "Pushing again?" she said quietly, a slight edge to her voice.

Nina closed her eyes. "I meant that I would buy them. They do pay me to work here, after all." She opened her eyes to Rachel burying her face in her knees. "Rach?" The only response was a slight shake of the head. "Hey, Rachel, what is it?"

After a few seconds Rachel lifted her head enough to be heard clearly. "I can't ask you to spend all that money on me. You know how much it would cost to get the kinds I can handle."

"Yeah, I know." Nina's voice was quiet and serious. "It's OK, I don't mind."

"But I do." Rachel lifted her head up completely and met Nina's eyes. "Even if you feel like that's part of your—your penance… I can't live with putting you into debt just so you can try to keep me from freaking out."

"It would be worth it to me," Nina said softly.

Rachel dropped her eyes and shook her head again. "No."

Nina watched Rachel for a few seconds and took a deep breath. "Or… you could come stay at my apartment with me." Rachel stared at Nina, forehead wrinkled, as Nina continued, "It's not the same big place I had before - I've only got one bed - but… I remembered what you said about how to pick a clean place, and I still have the soundproofing curtains I got when you stayed with me last year." Rachel looked away from Nina's face, and a long minute passed, during which Nina felt more awkward than she had in a long time. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—" she finally said, studying her hands. "I understand."

Nina got up to leave; her hand froze on the door handle when she heard Rachel's voice at last. "Could I maybe try that? Just for the weekend, and see?"

"Of course," said Nina. She turned back towards Rachel, meeting her eyes; the tentative look of hope on Rachel's face pulled at Nina's heart. "You want me to ask if Rosen can drop us off? Since I don't have a car right now…" And suggesting public transportation with Rachel's senses all haywire would be an idiotic move; that she knew well.

"Yeah. The van always smells nice; he keeps it clean."

Nina smiled at her. "I'll see you later then," she told Rachel.

* * *

The door to Rosen's office was open, and Nina stood in the doorway for a moment before speaking. He glanced up between shuffling papers. "Nina," he said, preoccupied with a folder in his hand. "Something on your mind?"

"So," she began, one hand in her hip pocket as she leaned against the door jamb, "I talked with Rachel about tonight." Nina could feel Lee's entire attention suddenly come to focus on her, waiting, expectant. She took a breath. "I suggested that she try staying with me, at my apartment." The only response from him was a pair of raised eyebrows, soliciting further details. "She said yes."

He was quiet for a few seconds. "How are you feeling about that?" he asked.

She almost laughed. Lee Rosen, ever the therapist. She thought for a moment about what to answer him. "Good, I think." She looked at him, putting a deliberate partial smile on her face. "It's a step forward."

"A chance to repair your relationship." He studied her face.

"Yeah." She let her eyes wander before settling on him again. "I wondered if you would be willing to drop us off this evening."

"Of course. How does six o'clock sound?"

Nina nodded. "Sounds good. Thanks."


	9. Chapter 9

Nina found concentration difficult that afternoon. For all that Rachel had seemed to be extending an olive branch of sorts, Nina knew that it was only out of necessity. Had Rachel not been having difficulty with her senses, no doubt she would have kept their interactions limited to work exchanges for a long time. Nina's stomach knotted uncomfortably as she thought of all the ways this could go wrong and make things worse than they already were. She took a deep breath, telling herself to relax, but it had little effect. Not for the first time did she wish she could push herself.

She reminded herself to look at the positive potential. Rachel was talking with her. She had agreed to come stay with her. This meant there was a chance to fix things. No, she could never repair the damage she had done completely, but to see Rachel's eyes look at her with something other than the mixture of betrayal, contempt, and wariness that had been displayed to her most of the time… That was what she could hope for. She had to remember this.

The clock on her laptop changed from 5:57 to 5:58, and Nina finally closed it and gathered her things to leave. She knocked on Rachel's door and entered upon invitation, closing the door behind her. Rachel was standing next to the couch, the suitcase on the floor by her feet. "Ready to go?" Nina asked.

Rachel bit her lip nervously. "It's still too noisy out there, and the lights…" She looked at Nina anxiously. "I need to get some things from my parents' place too, and I'm not ready to face them yet. Could you push me again?" she pleaded.

Just then, a knock sounded. "Rachel, it's Dr. Rosen," came the voice, low enough that Nina could barely hear it clearly. She had one hand on the doorknob; Rachel nodded at her, so Nina turned it to allow him to step in. His eyes took in Rachel's demeanor. "How are you doing?" he asked quietly.

Rachel tried to smile. "It's hard, Dr. Rosen."

"I know." He raised a hand to her cheek in a light touch before lowering it. "But you can do it."

She shook her head, looking at Nina. "I can't."

"Yes, you can," Nina insisted. "This is only temporary, because you haven't had enough sleep to get your control back. When you have, you won't need me to do this. All right?" Rachel ducked her head, shame written across her face. "Hey," she called in a soft voice. Rachel lifted her eyes up slowly to meet Nina's. "Are you ready?" Nina asked, and Rachel nodded. Nina locked eyes firmly with Rachel. "You are calm," she pushed. "You will stay calm until you get to my apartment." She watched the slightly blank look take over Rachel's face, and leaned down to pick up her suitcase. "We're ready," she told Rosen, whose face was suddenly unreadable.

He nodded and walked out of Rachel's office. "Let's go," Nina said to Rachel, who followed her blindly down the hallway.

* * *

Rosen maneuvered the van to a waiting position near the dry cleaning and repair shop owned by Rachel's parents. Nina glanced in the rearview mirror; Rachel hadn't moved from her position. Nina sighed and undid her seatbelt, getting out of the van and opening the side door. "Rach," she called, drawing Rachel's eyes to her. "Go inside and get the things you think you'll need to stay at my house. You can tell your parents you're staying with a friend for a while."

She stepped back as the push took effect and closed the side door behind Rachel. She could sense Rosen's eyes on her as she stood by her door, watching Rachel enter the building. "I'm a walking sedative," she said finally, an odd half-smile lifting a corner of her mouth.

"With no chemical traces and fewer side effects," Rosen pointed out.

She snorted a little, turning to meet his gaze. "You can market me as the latest drug for insomnia."

"She is still relying on you very heavily right now," he said.

Nina turned away to watch the storefront again. "I know," she said in a low voice.

"I'm glad you're able to be there for her."

"What, no warnings? No cautionary guidelines about pushing?" She rolled her head to look at him over her shoulder.

"No," he answered with a sigh. "No, you're managing her better than I can right now."

He gazed out the windshield, and the pieces fell into place for Nina. "It's not a failure on your part, Lee," she said, turning to face him fully. She could now see the self-incriminatory look in his eyes, the drawn face… "Lee," she called softly, and he finally looked directly at her. "None of this is on you," she told him.

"It was my decision to let her go home without a bodyguard. Had I not—"

Nina interrupted. "Had you not done that, he'd just have waited for another day. You saw what he told the cops in his statement. He had fixated on her, and he was patient enough to wait as long as he needed to. There was nothing you could have done. Nothing," she pressed, when it looked like he was going to argue. "Stop blaming yourself, all right? You have nothing to be blamed for." She turned back to face the building before he could reply. "I'd better go in and make sure Rachel's doing OK with her parents." She closed her door and walked away from the van without looking back.

* * *

Nina tossed the last of Rachel's bags into the back of the van and turned to Rachel, who stood motionless beside her. "You can get in the van now," she said. Rachel obeyed, and Nina closed the door behind her before climbing into the front passenger seat.

"How did it go?" asked Rosen as he pulled back into traffic.

"Had to push them to leave her alone," said Nina. "She couldn't answer their questions as to where she had been, or where she was going…" She met his eyes briefly with a sigh before looking out the passenger window.

The rest of the trip was quiet until they pulled up to where Rosen could drop them off. Nina loaded Rachel with several bags before grabbing the suitcase and the other bags herself. She closed the door and walked around to the driver's side before Rosen could drive away. He opened his window. "I'll text you, let you know how things are looking for Monday morning," she told him.

"Call me if you need me," he said.

"Of course."

"Good luck," he wished her, and she nodded in response as she started to walk around the van again.

"Let's go," she told Rachel, who fell into line behind her.


	10. Chapter 10

Nina fumbled to unlock the door, dropping a bag of clothing in the process. She flicked the light on and hauled the bags in, setting them down on the table. (She was momentarily thankful she had bothered to clean up after breakfast that morning.) "Come in, Rachel," she called, heading over towards the other woman. Nina took Rachel's bags from her and set them down as well. She sighed to see the blank look still present on Rachel's face. Too many pushes to wear off when they were supposed to, no doubt. But it would give Nina valuable time to prepare.

She dug through one of Rachel's bags to find the gentle low-level light she had used on days when she was extra sensitive, plugging it in and going to flip the overhead light off. The noise canceling machine went on top of the fridge; she'd have tried to put it in the bathroom, but the fan in there didn't work that well and Nina thought the steam might not be the best for it. She dug in the closet for the box of soundproofing material; she really should have gotten rid of it when she was being forced to downsize to this postage-stamp-sized apartment, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. The curtains still smelled like the faint scent of Rachel's room, and Nina smiled wistfully as she pulled out the material and tacked it up. She was about to speak when she remembered the garbage, quickly tying it up and disposing of it down the chute in the hallway.

Rachel was still standing in the middle of the room when Nina returned. Nina took a deep breath. "Rachel?" she called softly, catching Rachel's eyes with her own. "You're free now."

Nina watched awareness return to Rachel's eyes as she began to take in the apartment around her. "This is where you live?" Rachel asked, starting to turn around.

"Yeah."

Rachel kept turning, scanning until she had done a full visual sweep. "It's … a lot smaller than your old place."

"Yeah, well… this is what I can actually afford."

Rachel nodded, staring off beyond Nina. "It's clean," she said, a little note of wonder in her voice. "Well, mostly," she amended. She looked up at Nina, her eyes quizzical. "You remembered how I clean things?"

Nina shrugged a little, glancing away. "I got into the habit of cleaning that way, so I kept it up."

Just then, Nina's stomach gurgled. "It must be time for dinner," Rachel said. "That was really loud."

"Hmm, you want to order something?" Nina asked. "My cupboards are nearly bare, and I don't feel like cooking anyway."

"I don't know what's nearby." Rachel looked at Nina a little helplessly.

Nina thought for a moment. "There's an organic sandwich shop I know just down the street — I sometimes pick up something from them if I don't feel like packing a lunch. They also deliver," she said.

"OK," said Rachel.

Nina picked up her phone and looked up the number. "No onion or pickles, right? Or anything spicy," Nina asked as she dialed.

Rachel nodded and began to wander over to the far end of the apartment. Nina kept her voice as low as she placed the order. She watched Rachel drift around the tiny place. There was little more to it than a bed, a small table, a sofa, a kitchenette, and a bathroom, barely large enough for the toilet, sink, and shower. Nina had had to get rid of a lot of her clothing when she moved; the miniscule closet could only hold a fraction of her usual wardrobe. She ended the call and eyed the table with a sigh. "We'd better find a place for your things," Nina said. She lifted her eyes up to see Rachel still walking around slowly, studying everything. Nina walked over and stood in front of her; Rachel gasped a little as full awareness returned. "Major cleaning needed?" Nina asked, head tilted.

Rachel hesitated. "Not major? Just some spots."

"Well, if you can tolerate it for a little bit, we need to get your stuff put away somewhere. Then we can tackle cleaning if you're up to the smells." Nina gestured to the pile of bags on the table, and moved around it to the dresser and mini-closet in the far corner.

Doing it quietly enough not to make Rachel cringe at every movement was tricky, but Nina managed to get a good chunk of her closet and dresser cleared by stuffing the clothes into bags and shoving them underneath her bed. Rachel had put her toiletries in the bathroom and was halfway through putting her clothes and other things into the empty drawers and closet space when the doorbell rang. Into the drawer fell the clothes she was folding, as she collapsed to the floor holding her hands over her ears with a whimper.

Nina muttered a mental curse at herself for forgetting the doorbell, and hurried to find money to pay with. She hastily forked into the delivery person's hand, giving a slightly bigger tip than she had intended in her urgency in sending them on their way. The sandwiches were set down on the counter as she hurried over to Rachel and knelt next to her. "Rach?" she whispered, then winced as Rachel flinched. She changed tactics, lifting one hand to run through Rachel's hair and down her back in a soothing motion. When there seemed to be no change in Rachel, she closed her eyes in frustration at herself for forgetting the need to overwhelm the new sense in order to pull back on the overloaded one. She wrapped her other arm around Rachel as well and pulled her against her shoulder, running hands up and down Rachel's back and the side of her face. Rachel finally made a small sound, and Nina dropped her arms so they would drape loosely around Rachel, waiting.

Rachel didn't pull away immediately, however, resting against Nina for a minute. Nina's legs ached from lack of blood flow, but she held herself still until Rachel leaned back upright. "Can we try eating now?" Rachel asked.

Nina staggered to her feet and reached a hand down to help Rachel up by way of reply. She brought a sandwich over as Rachel sat down at the table, and set it in front of Rachel, who gave Nina a slightly puzzled look. "Aren't you going to eat yours?"

"I'll wait till you're done." Sandwiches were one of the noisier meals to eat; Nina figured she might have to eat hers in the hallway.

Rachel gave her a little smile just before biting into hers. Nina was relieved to see her eat - Rachel normally had a nicely rounded figure but could start to look a little too thin and drawn when she was overloaded by her senses for days. Nina could imagine it was hard to eat food when you could see the bacteria crawling on it, or when it tasted like someone had dumped in ten times the usual amount of garlic.


	11. Chapter 11

Nina finished the last bite of her sandwich before throwing the wrapper in the garbage chute, walking back down the hallway, and knocking very lightly on her door. (She had tried eating one bite in her apartment, but Rachel was so visibly overwhelmed by the sound that Nina had immediately stopped chewing and scooped up her sandwich before patting Rachel on the shoulder and leaving her apartment to finish it in the stairwell.) She opened the door to find Rachel sitting on the edge of the bed. Rachel turned away as soon as she identified Nina, but not before Nina caught a glimpse of a tear stain on her cheek.

Nina carefully closed the door behind her and walked over to slowly sit down next to Rachel. She stared straight ahead for a few moments, then glanced sideways at Rachel's profile. "You want to talk about it?" Nina asked in a quiet voice.

There was silence for a long while before Rachel spoke. "I'm so sick of being like this." She gestured one hand towards the light-and-sound-proofing curtains. "You have to put up special stuff all over just so I don't end up catatonic or in the fetal position. I couldn't even be in the same room with you while you ate."

"You've been in control of your senses before and you will be again," Nina began. "You just—"

"I wish I were normal," Rachel blurted out. "It would be so much easier. I would rather be a normal victim than to keep living like this." She reached a hand up to wipe away another tear that started to trickle down her cheek.

"Oh, Rachel," Nina said, her heart breaking a little. "Listen to me: I believe you **will** be in control of your senses again, and I will help you until you get there, OK?" She waited for Rachel to nod. "Just take it one step at a time."

"Can the next step be a shower? If I have to smell myself another hour…"

Nina laughed a little, quietly. "You don't stink to me, but it sounds like a good idea. I don't think you've been able to take one since Wednesday morning, right?"

"Yeah," Rachel said. "I would've tried Thursday afternoon, but … the light and sound was bad enough just going to the bathroom and back. Plus I didn't have any of my shower things."

"Well, you've got your things now, and there's no hallway to go through," Nina pointed out. "If you're not ready for the light - and it is bright, I will admit - you can leave the bathroom door open and just let the light from your lamp there bounce in."

Rachel caught her lower lip between her teeth and frowned. "What about the shower? The water, the noise…"

"I remember you telling me that showers were easier than baths because the competition of hearing and touch meant that you were able to balance the two more evenly, right?"

"Yeah…" Rachel said, hesitantly.

"Then let's try it and see if it'll work again," Nina suggested.

"Can't you just push me?"

Nina sighed, closing her eyes briefly. "Rosen hasn't done any thorough studies on the long-term effects of my pushing, but the one person I pushed a lot on a long-term basis ended up with mental issues." Nina felt Rachel's eyes on her as she stared at her hands instead. "I don't want that to happen to you. So I'd like to keep it so I don't have to push you unless absolutely necessary." Nina's gaze was serious as she met Rachel's eyes.

Rachel was the one to look away this time. "All right," she whispered.

"You can do this," Nina told her. "Get everything else ready and I'll help get the shower started when you say it's time."

Nina tidied a few things before she heard Rachel call. The bathroom was very dark, but Nina could make out Rachel's pair of clean pajamas lying on the counter and her towel from home was already on the rack. Rachel stood by the shower door, still clothed, fidgeting a little anxiously. "I think you should be ready to step in as soon as the water starts," Nina said in a near-whisper. She looked away to give Rachel a little privacy as she removed her clothes. "Ready?" she asked Rachel. Rachel nodded, apprehension written all over her face.

Nina turned the shower knob till hot water poured out. When she turned back, Rachel stood trembling, covering her ears with her hands. Nina went for a two-pronged attack: one hand firmly on Rachel's shoulder, the other taking one of Rachel's arms and extending it until her hand was directly under the shower stream. Gradually Rachel pulled her other hand down, and Nina gently guided her into the shower with a sigh of relief.

Nina wiped her wet arm on her towel on the way out of the bathroom and made for the cleaning supplies. She now had a few minutes to do a bit more deep cleaning; she hoped she could find all the problem spots Rachel had seen. In the dim light, it was a little more challenging than usual…


	12. Chapter 12

Nina scrubbed the kitchen sink with the special cleaner she had gotten a lifetime ago, back when Rachel had shared her penthouse. She had told Rachel the truth about the cleaning being a habit, but it was more than that: cleaning reminded her of Rachel. During her bender with Tommy, she hadn't gone back to her penthouse once. Partly because she knew they'd catch her there, but mostly because it was simply too clean. Everywhere she looked, she could see Rachel, in the shiny surfaces and spotless rooms. And when she'd been released and had to find an apartment she could actually afford on her salary, the first thing she did was to pick the cleanest place possible - and scrub it top to bottom. Every motion of her hand with the cleaning rag felt like a small piece of atonement, absolution earned little by little.

The shower water had stopped a few minutes ago, and Nina kept an ear out for any sign of distress, but Rachel seemed to be fine. Nina rinsed the sink with as low water flow as she could manage and put the cleaning supplies away in time to see Rachel emerge, head wrapped in a towel. "I'm going to change the sheets to clean ones, all right?" she said to Rachel. The younger woman nodded in acknowledgment before settling on the sofa and tucking her feet under her as she combed out her hair.

The laundry hamper Nina kept in her closet wasn't that large, but it would have to do; there was really nowhere else to stash the dirty bedding, and at least the closet had Rachel-friendly air fresheners hanging in it. Nina stripped the bed quickly, pulling out her spare set of sheets and remaking the bed with them. She found herself smoothing the last bit of the coverlet several times, and had to force herself to turn around and face Rachel. "Bed's ready whenever you are," she finally said, sinking onto the opposite end of the couch from Rachel.

Rachel methodically ran her comb through the last portion of her hair as Nina stared blankly at the rest of the apartment. A silence fell over the room for several minutes, as Rachel seemed frozen in thought, and Nina unwilling to disturb her at first. Finally, she spoke, "Ready to try sleeping?"

Rachel's answer was to get up and put away her comb. Nina gathered her own pajamas from her dresser as Rachel hung up her towel in the bathroom, and entered it when Rachel was done. She emerged a few minutes later, pajama-clad, to find Rachel on the couch again. Unhurried, she placed her worn clothes in the hamper and returned to the sofa, this time sitting down by Rachel. "Is the bed that terrifying?" she asked quietly. "I'm sorry I don't have room for a second one…"

"No, no, it's fine. I'm just—" Rachel trailed off.

Nina tried a different tack. "Pick the side you want - window, or the rest of the apartment?"

Rachel studied the bed for a moment. "Window," she said softly, but didn't move.

"Rachel," Nina called in a near-whisper. When Rachel's eyes met hers, she went on, a little sadly. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"It's not that," Rachel said, looking down at her hands.

"Then what is it?" Rachel didn't answer. "Rach, can you look at me, then?" Gradually Rachel's eyes lifted up to match Nina's gaze. "I promised Rosen I would take care of you," Nina said. "If you don't sleep tonight as well, I'll be in big trouble with him." Nina smiled, trying to get Rachel to smile also, but she looked down again instead.

Rachel opened her mouth, but it was a few seconds before sound came out. "When I close my eyes to try to sleep, I can't relax. I feel like someone's going to come after me any second. And I can't use any mental techniques to override that because I can't tune out the things I'm hearing."

Nina watched Rachel for a few seconds. "I have an idea… but I'm not sure if you'll like it." Rachel looked at Nina quizzically; Nina hesitated a moment, then said simply, "Physical contact." Rachel looked away from Nina again; Nina watched her out of the corner of her eye. "It worked to dull your hearing before, and it'll remind you that you aren't alone." Nina took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm herself. "But, I get it if that's too much. I'm not exactly at the top of your list of 'people you want to cuddle with'." Nina studied her hands, trying not to replay the look in Rachel's eyes at the club. She didn't think she could ever forget it.

It seemed like an eternity before Rachel answered. "OK."

Nina stood up slowly, holding her hands out to Rachel, who hesitantly took Nina's hands and let herself be pulled upright. Rachel walked around the bed to her side and got in. Nina plugged in her phone to charge, turning off the alarms, and flicked off the lamp on her way to the bed. She cautiously felt her way past the table and chairs and climbed in on the opposite side from Rachel. Nina scooted a little toward the middle. "You decide how you want to be, and I'll move accordingly."

There was some rustling as Rachel inched herself over, and Nina lifted her arm as she felt Rachel bump up against it. Nina found herself blinking tears back a little as Rachel settled her head on Nina's shoulder. She didn't deserve this trust. Not after everything she had done. She brought her hand up to Rachel's head and began gently stroking it, letting her fingers glide through the soft, thick hair as they traced lines on Rachel's scalp. "Comfortable?" she asked Rachel.

"Yeah." There was silence for minutes. Nina continued to stroke Rachel's head while her mind ran through her tasklist for the next day. So much would depend on what Rachel was ready to handle. Her thoughts were interrupted by Rachel whispering the last question she had thought to have to answer that night. "Why did you do it?"

Nina didn't need to ask for any clarification; she knew exactly what Rachel was referring to. She had asked herself the very same question so many times, and it had taken her a long time to be able to put the answer into words. She had yet to communicate it fully to anyone; Rosen had guided her to see how the pain in her past had led to the mistakes she had made, though even with him she had emphasized the pain of learning Cameron was dating Dani and Rachel's failure to tell her. But Rachel, of all people, deserved to know exactly what had led to what should properly be called rape, no matter what Rosen said. "I was trying to hurt you, to push you away."

"Why?"

"Because…" she said with a sigh. "I couldn't handle being left, being rejected, so I forced your hand."

"What do you mean?"

"Everyone leaves me; it's one of the side effects of my ability. Who wants to stay around someone who can force you to do anything they want? My dad tried to leave my mom and me - I pushed him so he wouldn't leave, and kept pushing him to stay. He eventually committed suicide." A small noise came from Rachel, but she didn't move, so Nina kept going. "My mom blames me for it; I haven't talked with her for over ten years. The last thing I remember is her shouting at me to just leave her be, that I'd done enough damage. My sister told me congratulations for making Dad kill himself, and told me never to come near her again." Nina breathed carefully, trying not to sniffle, but knowing Rachel could probably smell her tears anyway.

Nina continued, "I didn't try to get close to anyone again till I had to choose between Rosen or jail - which, now that I think about it, would probably have been Binghamton. I figured, at least with a therapist I could always push him and disappear if I had to. And then he started this team, and offered me a job, so, I took it. The government overlooked my petty larceny because I was helping them track down and stop the really dangerous ones; Rosen didn't care for me pushing whenever I wanted, but he didn't try to stop me as long as I didn't push him. Bill was the same way. And then you came along, and Gary, and it was like… I had people in my life again, people that mattered." Her voice cracked on the last word, but she kept going.

"And then they locked up Rosen, and everything fell apart. I accidentally pushed Cameron, and he broke up with me. And even when Rosen was back, it wasn't the same. I tried to start over with Cam, and when he told me he was seeing someone, and you hadn't said anything, when you had to have smelled… I lost it. I couldn't take any more, and I couldn't bear the thought of hearing you tell me you wanted me out of your life. I'd already had Cam dump me; it didn't matter what he said. But you hadn't yet, and it was only a matter of time." Nina swallowed the lump that had grown in her throat. "That's why. It's not a good reason, but it's why."

Nina squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to breathe slowly in an attempt to calm down. It was starting to work when she heard the quiet words, "Thank you for telling me," which sent a fresh wave of emotion through Nina. It was a while after Rachel fell asleep before Nina could relax enough to follow.


	13. Chapter 13

Nina drifted to awareness gradually; the warm weight on her shoulder puzzled her until she remembered the night before. She cracked her eyes open to see Rachel curled against her. Rachel's head appeared to have moved little during the night, and one of her hands was curled on Nina's stomach, clutching the edge of her pajama top. Rachel's breathing was slow and steady, her lips slightly parted. She had had very little natural sleep over the last few days, so Nina figured Rachel was due some extra rest. As long as Nina didn't move and disturb her…

This meant more time to do nothing but think. Nina was not a big fan of that, especially these days. Thinking meant revisiting the things she had done, the person she had become. The woman who had stolen her childhood friend from his wife and family. The woman who had forced her best friend to kiss her - and with Rachel, kissing wasn't just kissing. Nina had known this long before the club, and she had had it in the back of her mind when she pushed Rachel that night. She had ruined every relationship she had had with anyone in her life: her family (the ones who weren't dead) hated her because of what she had done, Cameron had moved on to someone else when she'd pushed him, and she had raped Rachel when all Rachel had done was try to get Nina some help.

It wasn't a pretty picture; she held it up in front of herself daily so she could never, ever repeat it. No pain on her part could drive her to hurt everyone else like that again; she would rather die first. She had tried that… In the hospital, Rosen had pointed out that she would hurt everyone just as much by killing herself, and had reminded her of that repeatedly until she started to believe it. Besides, dying meant the pain would end quickly, and she didn't deserve that. The pain she had caused Rachel and the others would last longer than that; the least Nina could do was live through hers.

She felt her eyelids closing gradually, and let herself sink back into sleep gladly. When she woke next, Rachel was in virtually the same position, but Nina's bladder was now sending some strong signals that she needed to obey. She lifted her arm from where it lay across Rachel's back and carefully lifted Rachel off of her enough to slide out. Rachel made a small noise of protest in response, and her eyes opened as Nina settled her back down. "Shh, go back to sleep," Nina whispered. She didn't wait to see if Rachel did or not, instead making a beeline for the bathroom.

Nina emerged from the bathroom a couple minutes later to find Rachel awake but lying in the bed quietly still. Nina detached her phone and settled on the sofa. She checked that the sound was still off before looking at her texts and emails. There were no new emails of importance, and the only text she had was from Rosen: "How is she doing?" Nina glanced up at Rachel, who had sat up but was still blinking a little sleepily. Nina texted back: "slept well, waking up now"

Nina turned off the screen again and set the phone on the table before going back to sit on the edge of the bed. "Good morning," she said softly.

Rachel's reply came after a few seconds. "Good morning." Full awareness slowly entered her eyes as she studied the room.

"How are you feeling?" Nina asked.

Rachel tilted her head a little. "Good, actually. Balanced."

"Senses aren't overloaded?"

Rachel shook her head. "It's like they found the center of gravity again."

Nina smiled. "Good, I'm glad."

Rachel smiled back for one beautiful moment before she said, "Excuse me," and moved to exit the bed. Nina got up quickly, letting Rachel past to the bathroom.

* * *

Nina was pulling the box of instant oatmeal out of the cupboard when Rachel stepped out of the bathroom. Nina turned, holding it up. "Is this OK with you? I don't think I have anything else to eat for breakfast; I was going to go shopping this weekend."

"It's fine," Rachel told her. She pulled her phone out and plugged it in as Nina prepared two bowls of it and started them in the microwave. Nina watched Rachel carefully when she started the appliance running, but Rachel didn't seem to be bothered, and Nina let out a silent sigh of relief at Rachel's improvement.

Breakfast was a silent affair other than the clinks of silverware against the bowls. Rachel didn't seem inclined to look at Nina, and Nina was unsure what to say now that Rachel didn't need her help as desperately. Nina set her spoon down a final time and looked up. "I really do need to go shopping," she told Rachel. "There's nothing in the cupboards to make for lunch. You're free to do what you want, of course - stay here or come along."

At first Rachel appeared not to hear, then she lifted her head after swallowing a mouthful of oatmeal. "I'll come along," she said.

* * *

Nina had no previous experience to compare it with - Rachel had never gone shopping with her before. As she recalled, Rachel had always been uncomfortable with seeing Nina bring things home without paying for them (though she seemed to be fine with enjoying the fruits of Nina's ill deeds), so Nina had gone on her shopping sprees alone. And naturally, Rachel hadn't spent any time with Nina since the move to the new place. For that matter, Nina wasn't sure if she herself had ever gone grocery shopping before this year. Why get food you had to make yourself when you could get already-prepared food for free? She missed those easy days, but the thought of resuming the careless pushing she had been accustomed to made her feel sick; the only things she had to hold onto were the connections she had with the people on Rosen's team, and she had damaged them near to breaking with her pushing.

"How does pasta sound to you?" Nina asked as she pulled a box of linguine off the shelf. "It's one of the few things I know how to cook so far."

"Yeah, I didn't think you knew how to cook," Rachel said, a slightly surprised look on her face. "I like pasta. Though, which sauce?"

"I've been learning by trial and error." Nina dropped the pasta into the basket on her arm. "More trial than error so far, thankfully. Which is best for you?" she asked, turning to study the options on the shelf.

"Alfredo. The marinara sometimes tastes too strongly of garlic to me," Rachel added.

A jar of alfredo was added to the basket, along with a small head of broccoli, the makings of a salad (Nina would have gotten a premade mix, but Rachel insisted on the individual vegetables and promised to make it herself), and some wheat rolls in place of the garlic bread Rachel found a little too flavored. "I've got butter and salad dressing in the fridge," Nina said, "though if you need a special kind…?"

Rachel's response was to add a lemon to the groceries. "It's probably fine, but lemon juice and herbs always works. Do you have basil and oregano?" she asked Nina, whose expression of ignorance prompted some additional purchases.


	14. Chapter 14

"You need some cooking lessons," Rachel was saying as they walked out of the bodega and headed back towards Nina's apartment. "You should at least be able to make a simple pot of soup."

"I didn't exactly have opportunities to learn, growing up," Nina pointed out. "You were fortunate," she said quietly. "Besides, with our schedules, taking a class isn't exactly a great idea. Even if I could afford it."

"I… could teach you," Rachel offered, and Nina looked at her in surprise.

"You serious?"

"I think I'd better, in the interests of keeping the team healthy. You've been looking too thin of late."

Nina didn't know how to respond. Rachel actually paid attention to whether she looked healthy or not, after everything Nina had done? She did have to admit, food wasn't always that appetizing recently, and she'd taken to bringing and eating smaller lunches than she would've ordered a year ago, so maybe Rachel was right.

They walked past the pizzeria. It had been closed on their way to the grocery store, but this time someone emerged with a couple pizzas in hand, crossing in front of Nina and Rachel. Nina only realized something was wrong when she glanced sideways at where Rachel should have been, only to see her standing a few feet back, frozen in place. Rachel's eyes were squeezed shut, and she was breathing heavily.

Nina crossed the distance between them in a flash, setting the grocery sacks down at her feet. "Rach?" She lifted one hand to Rachel's cheek, bringing the other up soon after to cradle her face. "Rachel, what happened?" No answers were forthcoming, so she went on gut instinct, bringing Rachel's face close to hers and whispering, "You're safe, Rachel. Everything's OK. You can open your eyes now."

Rachel's eyes fluttered a bit as she struggled to calm her breathing, and Nina released her face. "Hey," she said gently, opening her arms. Rachel leaned into her and Nina wrapped her arms tightly around Rachel, rubbing her back in slow patterns until Rachel finally pushed back. Nina dropped her arms and stepped back an inch. "You OK?" Nina asked, watching Rachel's face for any clue to the sudden emotional crisis.

Rachel's eyes met Nina's, wide and blinking a little. "I— it was like I was back there. In the alley. He had eaten pizza earlier that evening…" She closed her eyes again, taking another shaky breath.

"Let's get back to the apartment, OK?" Nina said in a low voice. She bent to scoop up the grocery sacks again, and kept a close eye on Rachel as they walked the rest of the way.

* * *

Nina put away the groceries quickly upon entering her apartment again. Rachel still seemed a little jittery as they returned, and was looking around restlessly as Nina finished placing the last item in its place. "Rach?" she said, watching Rachel carefully.

"Hmm?" Rachel's movements were slightly too jerky.

Nina walked over to the sofa. "Come and sit down," she called. She patted the cushion next to her. Rachel sat down, pulling her feet up and tucking them underneath her. Nina studied Rachel's face. "It was the smell of the pizza wasn't it? That triggered a memory?"

Rachel nodded. "I couldn't— I couldn't think. I was just **there** again."

"Do you still feel like you're there?"

"A little. I know I'm not, but…"

Nina shook her head. "Doesn't matter. Minds can play tricks on us; you know Rosen would say that if he were here."

Rachel smiled, despite herself. "Yeah, he would."

Nina took a deep breath. "What do you remember? Maybe it would help to talk about it. If you want."

Rachel was silent long enough that Nina figured she probably wasn't going to answer, but finally she began. "I— I remember I was walking down the street, and I'd just started past the alley. I don't remember seeing anyone, just his hand suddenly over my mouth and nose. It smelled like pizza; I could almost taste the sauce from the bits left on his fingers." She pulled her knees up to her chin. "My senses were all going crazy; I couldn't seem to see or hear. I remember feeling a small knife held against my throat. I remember lying on the ground, feeling pulling at my clothes. And… I think I shut down completely when he—" she stopped speaking, abruptly, burying her face in her knees.

Nina slid one hand over towards Rachel, palm up. She never actually saw Rachel's face looking, but a hand soon crept out of Rachel's hunched-up position to meet Nina's hand in a tight grip. It was several minutes before Rachel unfolded enough for Nina to catch her eye and convince to work on lunch preparations.

* * *

"What do you want to do this afternoon?" Nina asked as she put the last of the leftovers away. Cooking had restored a little of Rachel's emotional equilibrium, but she was still subdued throughout their lunch.

"I don't know," said Rachel, still sitting at the table.

Nina collected the dirty dishes and began to run some hot water to wash them while she thought. Going out was probably not on Rachel's to-do list at this point. Nina figured she had better keep Rachel away from pizza for a while - and there were pizza places in every direction from her apartment - plus Rachel needed some emotional down-time anyway. "Do you want to watch something, maybe?" Nina asked, soaping up her dishcloth and starting to clean the first dish.

"OK," came the response.

"I have a few DVDs next to the player over by the wall behind you," Nina said. She rinsed the dish and set it on the counter before starting on the next. "Pick something that appeals to you." She finished washing and drying the dishes and glanced over to find one of her more light-hearted choices lying on the player. Rachel was curled up on the sofa, sock-covered feet stretching to fill the entire length. Nina smiled as she started the film and walked around the table. She picked up Rachel's feet to sit down, holding on when Rachel tried to pull them away. "No, they're fine, don't worry about it," she told Rachel who finally relaxed and allowed Nina to draw them onto her lap. It was a good time for her to figure out how give a foot massage, anyway, Nina decided as she started to rub gently.


	15. Chapter 15

Nina picked up the remote from the sofa arm and turned off the TV screen. Rachel had missed half of the film, falling asleep just as it got interesting. She was probably still catching up on rest, Nina thought. At some point Rachel had curled her feet tighter so they pressed against Nina's leg. Nina carefully got up, trying not to bump them, and was relieved to see that Rachel showed no signs of waking. She found her phone and checked her texts again - Rosen had replied. "How are her senses?"

Nina smiled a little at the question. What else had she expected from him? She texted back "basically normal now" and nearly clicked it off, then changed her mind and sent another line: "make sure no one brings pizza to the office for a while". She clicked the screen back off. Let him figure that one out; she didn't think it'd take him very long.

Leaving the phone on the table, she switched the TV back on, muting the screen and turning on the captioning. She changed it to a news channel and settled on her bed to watch. Time to see what was going on outside of the Alphas' world…

* * *

"More bombs. It's always more bombs. More people dead." Rachel's voice startled Nina, who had been propped up very comfortably on her bed, half-asleep.

Nina sat up, taking a closer look at the screen; the captioning rattled off more figures from the ongoing unrest in Iraq. "Were you ever at risk from bombs when you were growing up in Iran?" she asked.

"No, the only dangers in Iran came from the government, pretty much. If they thought you weren't Islamic enough, or were teaching Western thought… my father had to be careful what he said to his patients. I was aware of the environment, and I heard my parents talking a lot, of course, with my hearing." Rachel sat up and stretched a little. "But otherwise I think I felt pretty safe." She smiled suddenly, and it spread across her face.

"I'm sensing a tale there," Nina said.

"I'm remembering a prank I once played on my brother, back in Tehran."

Nina looked at her in disbelief. "You, the perfect obedient child?"

"That's how I got away with it; my parents couldn't believe I could do such a thing. They blamed my older sister." Nina was still staring at Rachel with an incredulous look. "What?" Rachel said. "I never did it again. I felt so bad that she got punished for something she didn't do."

Nina shook her head, laughing a little. "Of course you did. What exactly did you do, anyway?"

"I found a tiny piece of dog poop and put it on the chair where he sat for dinner. My mom thought he had messed up his clothes while playing until he protested that he'd never sat down on the ground, and then they blamed Sari." Rachel grinned. "Poor Sari!" she said with a laugh. Nina laughed too, then sobered when Rachel asked, "What about you? You mentioned having a sister once, but never said anything more about her. Did you ever play pranks?"

Nina sighed. "My sister Linda was almost seven years older than I was. I didn't see her much; it was kind of like being an only child. Mostly I played with the neighborhood children when I was younger."

"Oh," said Rachel; the sparkle that had temporarily animated her seemed to vanish quickly.

Nina went on, hoping to re-engage Rachel's interest. "But we got into our share of pranks and sheer stupidity. In the summer, we used to crack fire hydrants open to play in the water, but we weren't very good at controlling where the water went."

"Isn't that illegal?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, of course it is. But we'd have a lookout posted for firefighters, and scatter if they showed up. Though one time Mrs. Branson—she was the neighborhood's old lady that hated us children—happened outside when we were opening it, and happened to be standing right underneath where the hydrant was aimed…"

"Oh no!" Rachel clapped her hands to her mouth, her eyes wide with mixed amusement and shock. "You didn't!"

"We did! She got drenched instantly, and was standing there with her cane, shaking it and yelling at us 'hoodlums'," Nina said, laughing. Her smile eventually dissipated as she stared off into memory. "That was when I was eight. The last year my parents seemed to be happy. Then it was all arguments and fighting after that, and I did a lot of hiding out by myself to avoid it."

"I'm sorry," Rachel said softly.

Nina shrugged, shaking it off. "That was life." She stood up from the bed. "I don't know about you, but the strawberries we picked up this morning are starting to sound delicious."

"Sounds good to me," Rachel said, joining Nina as she pulled out the carton from the fridge and started to wash them.


	16. Chapter 16

Nina placed the carton of strawberries back in the fridge and closed the box of crackers they had been nibbling on before setting it in the cupboard. "What do you want to do the rest of the evening?" she asked, turning to Rachel.

Rachel shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. What is there?"

Nina tilted her head, thinking. "Last year, before… we used to go to museums a lot, because they were quiet and not as crowded. There's one a few blocks away that I don't think you've been to."

"Sure," Rachel said with a little smile.

Nina smiled back. "I've kind of missed our museum outings," she said softly.

She almost had to strain to hear Rachel's reply. "Me too."

* * *

"The museums might not be crowded, but the sidewalks certainly are!" Nina said, weaving her way through the throngs of people. It seemed as if everyone in New York City had decided to walk down Nina's street that evening. She breathed a sigh of relief as they turned onto a less-crowded one.

Rachel had been determinedly following just behind Nina, but the next glance Nina took back caused a sudden halt to her progress. Rachel had stopped only a few yards into the street; unlike that morning, she had little visible signs of distress, other than her eyes, but Nina closed the gap quickly and stood in front of Rachel.

"Rachel?" Nina called in a low voice, catching Rachel's gaze with her own.

Rachel closed her eyes for a moment, and Nina could see the sheen of suppressed tears when they opened again. "I hate this!" she choked out. "Just walking down a street at night when there aren't people around everywhere… I feel like he's ruling my life!" She wiped the corner of her eye and took a deep breath. "I don't want to go back to the apartment for the whole evening, to feel like that's my only option. But every step right now makes me feel like he's going to step out of a dark corner and grab me again."

Nina lifted her head up and looked around. "Well, if you just want to avoid going back to the apartment, I have an idea…" Rachel's look of hope encouraged Nina, who smiled at Rachel as she pointed towards a building a little ways further down the street. "That building has a private rooftop, but there's a hidden access that I know about. No one's ever up there; you want to check it out?"

"Yeah." Rachel rubbed her other eye and brushed her hair back with her hand.

"Also," Nina said as she turned to stand between Rachel and the buildings on that side of the street, lifting an arm, "maybe this will help?" She settled the arm around Rachel's shoulders. "No one can jump out and surprise you without getting through me." Rachel's answering look up at Nina brought back all the feelings she had been ignoring, and Nina had to look away quickly while she controlled her face. Maybe Rachel was willing to overlook what Nina had done for now, but Nina could not. Atonement did not merit gratitude, especially not from Rachel. She forced a smile back onto her face and turned back to Rachel as she guided her down the street.

* * *

"Oh, it's really pretty up here!" Rachel exclaimed, leaning over the railing and looking at all the city lights.

Nina settled into one of the patio chairs and smiled at Rachel's obvious enjoyment. There was a slight breeze, but her jacket protected against it well enough, and she leaned her head back with a little sigh.

"If you could live anywhere you wanted, and still work with Dr. Rosen, where would you live?" Rachel asked, still watching the rest of the city. She glanced over at Nina when Nina didn't answer right away.

"I don't know. I've never thought about it. New York City is all I know," Nina finally said. "What about you?"

"Hmm, that's a tough question. I liked Tehran, when I was a girl. But I didn't know anything else, and my abilities weren't as strong then. I went back to visit with my family once after I had graduated from high school, and it wasn't the same as I remembered. Things smelled more, were louder… it wasn't home."

Nina looked out at the other rooftops. What was home, anyway? She'd lost that years ago.

"I think I'd probably stay here, anyway," Rachel continued. "There's a part of me that wants to travel, but the money it would take to travel on **clean** planes or boats… I'm in the wrong career for that."

"Yeah, working for the government gives you great insurance but the pay is lousy." Nina turned her head towards Rachel. "Where would you travel?"

"Europe," Rachel said, a smile on her lips. "The best museums, great food…" Rachel looked back at Nina. "Have you ever wanted to travel?"

Did Tommy's suggestion of sailing to Bermuda count? Nina looked away. "No, not really." She sighed. "Between my parents fighting, and then after…" her voice trailed off. "I just wanted to leave that life behind. New York City was big enough for that."

Rachel turned away from the railing and walked over to the other patio chair, seating herself. Nina glanced over and gave her a quick half-smile before staring off at the distant city lights from the various skyscrapers. "How old were you? When your dad…" Rachel started to ask, then bit her lip in uncertainty.

"I was twelve, almost thirteen. I remember… he was about to walk out the door. And I pulled him down to look at me, and I told him he couldn't leave. And he repeated it back at me, and stayed." Nina dropped her head for a moment, letting her eyes study the bricks on the rooftop as her mind walked back in time. "It was the first time I had deliberately pushed anyone. I'd accidentally pushed people, but I wasn't sure what was going on before. But when I told him to stay, and he stayed…" She lifted her head up, breathing carefully. "I thought it was a gift." Her face twisted bitterly as she said the last word. "That he was happy."

Rachel had nothing to say in response, and they sat for a long time, lost in their own thoughts, until Rachel shivered. "We'd better get back before it gets too cold," Nina said. She stood and waited for Rachel to join her, and together they walked back to Nina's apartment in silence. Few words were exchanged as they prepared for bed, and Nina closed her eyes as she waited for Rachel to situate herself. She almost opened them when she felt Rachel's arm extend across her stomach a little. It was a relief when she finally became sleepy enough to stop thinking.


	17. Chapter 17

Nina woke to the sound of water running. After a few seconds she recognized it as the shower - and Rachel's absence from the bed made it obvious. Slowly she sat up and swung her legs down. Her fingers wiped the sleep from her eyes as she thought about the previous day. Other than needing someone to hold onto at night to keep the demons at bay — and avoiding dark empty streets and the smell of pizza — Rachel seemed to be mostly OK now. Nina wondered what her role would be, once Rachel learned how to sleep alone again.

She unplugged her phone from where she'd charged it the night before, and turned the sound back on. Rachel seemed to be able to handle ordinary noises, now that she'd gotten her emotional equilibrium back. Nina checked her texts. She had one text from Rosen: "call me when you can". She glanced towards the shower; there was no sign of it ceasing, so she threw on a robe and went to the stairwell to dial. "Hey, it's Nina," she said when he answered. "You wanted me to call?"

"Yes, I was going to ask you how things were going."

Nina shook her head with a smile. "One of these days you're going to get a real smartphone so you can text us properly."

"Someday, perhaps. I come from a different era; humor me in my preference for the more traditional forms of technology. How is she?"

"Senses seem to be fine; I haven't had to push her since she got to my apartment."

"Emotionally?"

"Overall good, I think… but there are some things she doesn't handle well," Nina told him. "She ends up back in the alley in her mind, almost to the point of having trouble with her senses."

"Triggers, you mean? I assume your text about pizza referred to one of those."

"Yeah, we walked past a pizzeria and she freaked out. Apparently he'd had pizza earlier that evening, and hadn't cleaned his hands… Make sure tactical knows not to bring it anywhere near her - or even **eat** it if they're going to be around her."

Nina could hear his sigh over the phone. "I see. Anything else?" he asked.

"Walking on a street at night with few people, trouble going to sleep… she needs physical contact so she doesn't feel alone." Nina pressed her lips together for a moment. "Lee, I'm not sure how she's going to be able to go home until she figures out how to go to sleep without someone holding her."

"I know, Nina; thank you for letting me know. I'll be working with her for a while. She… has been changed by this experience, which is normal. It's going to take a lot of understanding and support from all of us. Thank you for taking care of her this weekend."

"It's nothing—the least I could do."

"It's more than that, and we all appreciate it," he said.

Nina wasn't sure he was accurate when it came to Bill, but wasn't going to argue. "I'd better get back; I stepped out of the apartment while she was taking a shower, and she's going to wonder where I am. See you tomorrow." Rosen bid her goodbye, and she walked back.

She knocked on the door. "Hey, it's Nina," she said before opening it, to give Rachel a little warning.

Rachel was combing through her hair while sitting on the sofa; she leaned forward to get a view of the door as Nina walked in. "Morning," she greeted.

"Morning. Slept well?" Nina took her robe back off and went to gather up her change of clothes.

"Yeah. Where'd you go?" Rachel asked.

"Phone call. Rosen wanted an update."

"Oh." Rachel's response was guarded.

"Relax, I told him you were back to normal eyes and ears. Though it sounds like you're going to be worked into his schedule for extra therapy for a while," she told Rachel over her shoulder as she grabbed the last item of clothing she wanted. "I'll figure out something for breakfast when I get out," she said, walking into the bathroom.

* * *

Nina emerged to find ingredients all over her counter and table. "I decided that this morning is going to be your first cooking lesson," Rachel said.

Nina raised her eyebrows. "I see. What am I going to be making?" She put her pajamas in the hamper and came over to inspect.

"A spinach omelette. Technically this is called _nargesi_ \- it's a dish I grew up with." Rachel grinned as she handed Nina an onion and knife. "First steps first - you have to chop this."

"So this is what you wanted the spinach for," Nina said while eyeing the onion and trying to figure out the best way to cut.

"No, not that way—" Rachel said, putting her hands over Nina's and correcting their position. "Like this. You've got to peel it first." She stepped back and gave Nina an odd look. "You really haven't done this before, have you?"

Nina's daily sandwiches were rather basic; with pre-sliced cheese, meat, and pickles (and lettuce only needing folding), the occasional tomato was the only vegetable she ever had cut for them. This was why she never tried to include onion, she decided. "Well, when you can just make other people do it for you…" Nina awkwardly struggled through the attempt to peel the onion without cutting herself, but felt strangely proud when she succeeded. "Now what?"

"OK, this is the first thing you do when you're going to chop an onion…"

* * *

The omelette turned out delicious - Nina hoped she could replicate it without Rachel's guidance because she definitely wanted to make that again. The dishwashing was also a lot less annoying when there was someone to chat with - and help. "So, on Sundays I usually take my laundry to this place a couple streets over," Nina said as she rinsed a dish and handed it to Rachel to dry. "They do a great job with the dry cleaning as well, and if I pay extra they'll deliver them to my apartment at the end of the day." She started to scrub the frying pan. "I don't know what you want to do about your laundry." Nina had squeezed her shoes aside to make room for Rachel's hamper in her closet, but there was the question of if Rachel was staying longer. Nina wasn't sure she wanted to broach the subject yet, but sending her home - or back to the office - only to experience another sleepless night… That wasn't an option. "They're almost as good as the service I used when I lived in SoHo," she added. The last bit of egg finally came off, and she gave it a quick rinse before letting Rachel take it.

"Sure. It sounds fine." Rachel hung the now-dry pan from a hook under the upper cabinet and dried her hands on the towel. "My parents would do my dry cleaning for free, but then I'd have to answer all their questions, and…" she trailed off with a sigh. "I don't know what to say to them, and I don't want to tell them what happened."

Nina wiped the extra water off her hands and tucked the towel through the fridge handle. Rachel had turned away from her, staring blankly at the rest of the apartment, and Nina gently touched her shoulder. "Hey, I get it," she said when Rachel glanced at her. "Some things you don't want to share with anyone." Her gaze was serious with a hint of emotion; Rachel was talking to the poster child for 'not sharing things that happened to oneself'.

Rachel nodded, staring across the room out the window, which she had freed of the soundproofing material earlier while Nina was showering. "There's a part of me that wishes everyone on the team didn't, but… if you didn't, I don't know what I would have done." She looked up at Nina, who stepped to stand beside her. "You saved my sanity." Nina struggled to keep her face from showing the ever-present guilt that threatened to emerge at the slightest hint of appreciation on Rachel's part. "My parents, on the other hand, would start thinking of me as damaged goods again. I mean, they called my abilities my 'condition' for years, even after Dr. Rosen helped me control them. It wasn't until I diagnosed my dad's cancer early enough to treat it that they stopped nagging me about finding someone while I was 'healthy'."

"You know you're not damaged goods, right?" Nina asked, eyes intent on Rachel. "What happened to you has not changed your worth as a person."

Rachel cast her gaze downwards. "I know," she said in a low voice. "Dr. Rosen told me the same thing."

Nina matched Rachel's tone. "Easy to hear, harder to believe?" Rachel's lips curved upwards in a sad half-smile, and Nina rested her arm loosely across Rachel's shoulders. "Keep reminding yourself that it's true, OK?" She gave the shoulders a little squeeze, then dropped her arm. "We'd better get the laundry there if we want it done today."


	18. Chapter 18

It was almost like last year, Nina thought, before she had ruined everything. The friendly banter between her and Rachel, doing somewhat domestic things together, even going to the museum after they dropped off the laundry. Daylight made a big difference in Rachel's comfort level, and Nina thought she had enjoyed herself immensely. Regret crept into her mood; if she could only turn back time…

"What's on your mind?" Rachel asked softly as they walked back to the apartment.

Nina shook her head. "Nothing, really." She made herself smile at Rachel. "What do you want to do for lunch? Leftovers? Grab something on the way?"

Rachel gave her a penetrating look before going along with the line of questioning. "Hmm…" She spied a market on the way back. "Actually, since we're working on increasing your cooking skills, how about making something again? We can always eat leftovers for lunch this week."

Nina sighed a little, but not unhappily. Rachel was a good teacher and the learning process was enjoyable. "Lead on," she said with a little grin.

* * *

Nina's mind worked overtime as she washed the lunch dishes. What was there to do the rest of the day? Since being released from the hospital and moving into the tiny apartment, she had found spending more than a few hours within its walls nearly intolerable. The TV couldn't distract her enough from her thoughts, and she'd taken to walking somewhere, anywhere. Walking, at least, was free, and if she walked long enough, she could burn enough energy to sleep easily at night. But in New York City, walking meant lots of people, something she suspected Rachel was less excited to experience. Her senses might not be overloaded right now, but she still saw, heard, smelled, tasted, and felt more than the average person no matter what, and it wore on her. Nina's apartment, however, had very little of any interest in it; it was only having Rachel to focus on that kept it from being intolerable.

She was still running through the options when she finished with the dishes. Rachel had gone to sit down on the sofa, and was looking at her phone. Nina sat on the other end and watched her from out of the corner of her eye. Rachel's face seemed relaxed, no lines of tension visible. She looked up at Nina expectantly. "What did you want to do this afternoon?" Nina asked. "I don't have anything in particular in mind."

Rachel thought for a few moments. "We could play a game?"

Nina looked at her blankly. "What game?" She didn't have any games. Her family hadn't been one to play games, even before her parents started fighting, and a game had been the last thing on her mind when she was trying to reinvent herself and live the high life.

Rachel had to think some more. Finally she asked, "Have you ever played chess?"

"Chess? You mean the game where guys sit and stare at a board and move pieces around all day?" She would have added the descriptor 'old', but she had to admit that Marcus didn't qualify as old, and he had played with Rosen all the time.

Rachel laughed at the description. "My father taught us to play, back in Tehran. I'm not the best at it, but it would give you something to work at."

"I don't have the game," Nina pointed out.

"I think I can get it on my phone," Rachel said, poking at the app options. "Yes, here we go. Installing it now."

Apparently this was the day for Rachel to teach her things. Well, if Rachel seemed to be enjoying herself… "All right, I guess I'm learning chess. What's the first thing?"

"First thing is, you need to scoot over so you can see my phone at the same time I do."

Nina obeyed, sliding herself across the sofa till her thighs pressed against Rachel's. The scent of the essential oils that Rachel used for calming herself wafted to Nina's nose. "Now?"

"OK, here's the board. There's two players, White and Black. White always goes first," Rachel informed her.

Nina wondered what Rosen would think of her learning this game now. He'd offered to teach her years ago but she'd had absolutely no interest. She looked over at Rachel, animated as she explained the different pieces and their starting positions. Nina sighed inwardly, focused herself, and began storing the information in her mind.

* * *

"Checkmate," Rachel said for the dozenth time that afternoon, grinning up at Nina.

"I thought you said you weren't very good at this game…" Nina raised an eyebrow at Rachel.

"No, I said I wasn't the best. Which is true. My father is better. Well, was better," she corrected. "I don't remember the last time he played with one of us. When we came to America, my parents had to work so hard to make ends meet; they didn't have as much time to spend with us." Rachel's gaze dropped for a moment before she pasted a quick smile on her face and glanced at Nina. "Anyway, you're just learning, so it's easy to beat you."

Nina watched Rachel for a moment; Rachel avoided meeting her eyes. "Still thinking about them?" Nina asked quietly.

Rachel was silent for a little while before answering. "I don't know what to do. I can't ignore them forever, and I left a lot of my things in my room at home." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm just not ready to go home yet."

Given that Rachel would have to dodge questions about why she had been absent so many days, and trying to fall asleep alone despite her fears, Nina couldn't blame her for avoiding them a while longer. "You can stay as long as you need," she told Rachel. "It's been nice." The hopeful smile on Rachel's face reaffirmed Nina's decision to offer. "Can we be done with chess, though? You're far too good at it for me." She was gratified to see Rachel's grin returning.

"You just need to practice some more. Maybe after work tomorrow," Rachel suggested.

Nina groaned at the thought.


	19. Chapter 19

As they ate a light evening meal, Nina kept a corner of her mind busy observing Rachel. When she had something to concentrate on, Rachel reverted back to the relaxed state that had been her habit with Nina from those months as roommates. Nina suspected Rachel's emotional state had a great deal to do with her ability to handle her senses, because she seemed to be less bothered by them when she wasn't concerned about the other person's opinion of her. It was no wonder she had a difficult time at her parents' home, then, and Rachel's insistence last year that she was a freak suddenly had more depth to it. Nina knew all too well what that felt like; her mother and sister's faces floated to her mind. She could still see the fear and loathing on them.

From time to time Rachel's general ease faded, and she became somewhat withdrawn. Was Rachel remembering that she was staying with the person who had betrayed her so badly, or was she thinking of what had happened to her last Wednesday night? It was hard to tell, and Nina didn't dare ask.

Nina dodged the trouble of deciding what to do by tackling the neatly folded pile of clean laundry that had been delivered earlier. She and Rachel fell into an easy rhythm as they quickly sorted out whose was whose and put them away. All too soon, they were finished, and Nina was left standing in front of her dresser, trying to think of some activity to suggest. No sooner had she sat down on the edge of the bed to think harder than a steady thump-thump of deep bass began to come through the wall across from her. "Not again," she moaned.

Rachel looked pained. "Your neighbors do this often?"

"Now and then," Nina answered. "I can go over and ask if they'll pipe it down because I have work in the morning, but they aren't always nice about it."

"You don't just push them to stop it?" Rachel held her gaze steady on Nina.

Nina shook her head, studying the floor at the foot of the bed. "I don't push anyone anymore unless someone else asks me to, or unless my life's in danger. You know why as well as anyone."

There was a long silence, and Nina glanced up to see Rachel holding her hands over her ears. "How do you sleep when they're like this?" Rachel asked.

"I don't. I bundle up warm and go sit on that rooftop I showed you last night, and wait till two or three in the morning to come back and see if they've quit." Nina stood up. "I'm going to go ask them to lower the volume - or at least the bass - and see if they're in a good mood. Wish me luck."

* * *

"Yeah, whatever," came the answer, and Nina was left standing facing a closed door.

She sighed and walked back into her own apartment. "Well, I tried."

"They did turn it down a little," Rachel said, hopefully. "And the noise-canceling machine is helping."

Nina looked at Rachel for a few moments; she knew Rachel's face too well to not pick up on the discomfort in her eyes. "You're still not comfortable, though."

Rachel looked away. "I'm rarely comfortable."

"You should be. You shouldn't have to go through life like that." Rachel didn't respond, hugging herself instead. "What do you want to do now?" Nina asked.

"I don't know." Her voice was barely audible. "I'd say we should go to the rooftop again, but…"

"Empty streets?" Nina asked, matching Rachel's volume.

"Yeah." When Rachel spoke next, her words were overlaid with a hint of quiet tears. "I hate this feeling. Like I'm trapped by him. I feel like I'll never be free of him." She took a shaky breath, still facing away from Nina. "Sometimes I wish I could kill him, and then I feel ashamed that I want to murder someone."

Nina bit her lip and reached out to gently touch Rachel's shoulder, walking around to where she could catch Rachel's eye. She lifted her arms a little, enough that Rachel could see the offer, but not enough to feel too awkward if it were rejected. Rachel turned to face Nina fully and stepped forward, leaning her head against Nina's shoulder as she slipped her arms around Nina in a loose hug. Nina closed her arms around Rachel's shoulders and blinked back tears as she felt Rachel bury her nose in her neck. Rachel inhaled deeply through her nose, still pressed against Nina, and Nina felt her relax slightly. "You're using scent to balance with?" Nina asked, curious. She knew Rachel used essential oils for emotional purposes, and she could be overwhelmed by bad smells, but Nina had never seen Rachel use scent quite in this manner.

Rachel didn't answer for a minute. Her next words seemed unrelated to Nina's question. "That's how I found you, you know. In the club," she clarified. "I recognized your perfume."

Of course. The extravagantly expensive perfume that Nina could never have paid for, and which she had pushed to get, so she could pretend that down deep she wasn't the teenage girl from the Bronx who had killed her father. How Rachel had picked it out in the mess of sights, sounds, and smells in that nightclub, Nina would never know. "I still have the last of that bottle in a drawer, but…" Wearing it only reminded her of her worst mistakes.

Rachel showed no signs of disengaging from their embrace, and continued breathing in … something. "You know I haven't been wearing any perfume," Nina said, puzzled. It was a waste of time and money, anyway.

"I know. Your natural scent is nice, and it's helping me tune out the bass."

Nina blinked. That was the last thing she had expected. But if it worked for Rachel… "That's… good, I guess?" Nina found her own awareness of the neighbors' racket diminishing as she concentrated on the feeling of the warm body pressed lightly against hers, the soft breaths on her neck. They stood like that for minutes, until Nina finally spoke again. "As much as this is nice, I don't think we can do it all evening, even if they keep it up next door."

"Yeah…" Rachel said reluctantly, not moving.

Nina smiled, running a hand gently down Rachel's back. "Come on, I can put something on and we can try watching a movie like we used to." She dropped her arms and stepped back, forcing Rachel to pull away. Rachel followed Nina to the couch, scooting down so she could lay with her head on Nina's lap. It was an echo of their positions Wednesday night, but the relative ease with each other was drastically different. There was no hesitation in Rachel's movements this time, and Nina once more felt a sense of unworthiness creeping over her. She had no time to dwell on it, though; the bass was giving Rachel a headache, if the lines in her forehead were any indication. Nina began stroking Rachel's scalp and back with one hand while using the other with the remote to find something suitably peaceful to watch. As the film started, she was relieved to feel Rachel's body relax a little, and the bass faded from notice somewhat as the opening music began.

* * *

Nina glanced at her watch; it was now past eleven, the movie had ended… and the bass was still going on. She sighed. "I wish I could tell you that they'll stop the noise soon, but I honestly have no idea when," she told Rachel, her fingers tracing Rachel's hairline gently. "We could watch something else, or we could get in bed and talk or something and hope they'll quit soon?"

"Bed, I think," Rachel said after a moment. "I'm tired."

Nina helped her upright. "You want the bathroom first?" she asked.

"Sure."

Nina pulled on her pajamas quickly while Rachel was in the bathroom, to minimize the time Rachel would have to wait for her. Every second that she wasn't giving Rachel something else to focus on, Rachel was in full defensive mode. Nina didn't think most people - even their team members - knew to read the the slight lines in Rachel's brow for what they were, but Rachel's face was an open book to Nina. That transparency was one of the things she'd always appreciated about Rachel.

Nina emerged from the bathroom to find Rachel buried under the covers in the middle of the bed. She turned off the light and climbed into the bed, scooting over till she nearly bumped into Rachel. "Taking over the bed already?" she asked, laughing a little. Rachel didn't answer, and Nina sobered as she slid down to lay her head on the pillow. Rachel shuffled position, and Nina was somewhat startled to find Rachel rapidly curling herself around Nina. One of Rachel's arms was flung across Nina's stomach and tucked in the far side, as her head nestled in its usual spot on Nina's shoulder. Nina wrapped an arm around Rachel and started tracing designs on Rachel's back with the other. "I'm sorry about the noise," she said.

"It's not your fault," Rachel told her. "They're just being rude."

"I know, it's just… I brought you here to try to help you sleep, and now…"

Nina felt Rachel shake her head. "They can't play it all night long or **they** won't be able to sleep either. And I've gotten a lot of sleep this weekend; if I hadn't come I'd probably still be having hysterics in my office."

Nina had no answer for that one; Rachel was probably right. She wondered how long Rachel was going to want to stay with her. On one hand, Nina didn't think Rachel would be able to sleep at her parents' place - but on the other, she couldn't live forever with just the few things she had brought with her, and Nina's apartment clearly wasn't the greatest place for someone with sensitivity to noise. She had no ready solutions. Nor had she any idea of what to talk about while they waited for the noise to stop. She hadn't had an ordinary conversation with Rachel for well over a month before yesterday, and was feeling her way through each one gingerly, afraid she'd cause some further pain to Rachel. Her family situation was out of the question; Rachel had not been eager to dwell on the subject that afternoon. And Nina wasn't about to ask about her romantic life. Rachel had never been very forthcoming with regards to that, and probably regretted ever opening up to Nina about her date with Sam, considering what Nina had done with that information.

Nina was still searching for something to talk about when Rachel's voice interrupted her thoughts. "I've been thinking… and I realized that your explanation the other day left a few things out." Nina froze as she realized what explanation Rachel had to be referring to. Rachel continued, "Why did you tell Tommy how I react to being kissed?"

If her eyes hadn't already been closed, Nina would have closed them in shame. "I didn't—" she began, swallowing hard. "I didn't intend for it to happen like that."

"What did you intend?" Rachel asked, sounding a little puzzled.

"I—I was missing you all, so I told him about your abilities. Bill's strength, Hicks' aim, Gary's ability to read electromagnetic wavelengths…"

"And my senses," Rachel added, when Nina trailed off.

"Yeah."

"But why tell him something so personal? You really hurt me, Nina." Rachel's voice was sharp, accusing.

A lead weight took up residence in Nina's stomach, but she had to continue; she deserved everything Rachel could throw at her—and Rachel deserved nothing less than complete honesty. "I was telling him about how each of your senses could overwhelm you, and we were … not exactly fully clothed." A fresh wave of shame rolled over her as she realized how many times she had forced Tommy to cheat on Becky. "He basically figured it out, and asked me if that's what happened."

"And you told him yes," Rachel said.

A tear threatened to escape Nina's eyes and she squeezed them tightly to keep it in. "Yes. I didn't think you would meet. And then when he remembered who you were from what I had said, I knew he was going to bring it up. So when he did, and I saw the look in your eyes… The only thing I could think of to do was to make it so that I would never have to see it again. To make you hate me so much you'd never look at me again."

"So you made me kiss you, knowing what it would do to me. **Because** you knew what it would do to me."

"Yes," Nina admitted in a whisper. "I'm sorry." She half-expected Rachel to pull away, at least somewhat, but neither moved, other than Nina's hand which still traced gentle circles on Rachel's back.

Suddenly the thump-thump of the bass next door died away, and it became quiet enough for them to hear each other breathing. "Finally!" Rachel exclaimed. "I am so ready to sleep."

"Then sleep," Nina said softly. She kept her hand moving lightly until her ears picked up steady breaths. Rachel's warmth soothed Nina as she slowly relaxed into slumber.


	20. Chapter 20

The sound of Nina's alarm roused her out of sleep, and she rubbed her eyes as she attempted to focus them. It took her a second to realize Rachel was sitting upright, startled awake by the noise. "Sorry, it's just my alarm," she mumbled, crawling out of bed to go turn it off. "I forgot to have you set yours and wake me up." Rachel needed far less volume to wake her up; Nina winced as she realized how loud her alarm probably had been to Rachel.

Rachel got out of bed to find her phone. Her finger swiped it to check the time. "Why so early?" she asked, sounding like she'd rather be asleep.

"The subway's always running late, so I leave early," Nina said. "Go back and lay down for a while if you want." She started writing a text message to Rosen: "can you pick Rachel up this morning?"

Nina was mildly surprised when Rachel crawled back in bed and laid down. Rachel's eyes followed Nina's progress around the room as Nina gathered clothing and slipped into the shower. Nina found Rachel sitting up again when she emerged. "Your turn," Nina said. She checked her phone to find the reply: "what about you?" She answered quickly: "your car doesn't have room for two, I'll take the subway" Rachel needed the ride; she didn't. She was relieved to see his assent to her suggestion, and finished taking care of her hair before Rachel exited the bathroom.

"Rosen said he'd be here in less than an hour to pick you up," Nina informed Rachel. She pulled out the oatmeal again; there was something to be said for convenience.

Rachel drew her comb through her hair. "How are you getting to work?" she asked.

"I'll take the subway like I usually do. You know his car is a two-seater," Nina said. Rachel looked almost apprehensive, and Nina paused her breakfast preparations to face Rachel directly. "It'll be fine," she reassured. "You've got your senses balanced well enough to handle it." Rachel nodded after a moment, and proceeded to get out the fruit they hadn't finished off the night before.

* * *

"There he is," Rachel said, pointing her finger down the street at a bunch of cars.

It was a few more seconds before Nina could recognize the small car that was Rosen's. He soon pulled up to the curb, and Nina waved to him as Rachel quickly got in. "I'll see you at work," she told Rachel, then turned to go. It would be awhile before she got there; she was too late to catch her usual train.

Nina gripped her lunch sack tightly and began the walk to the nearest subway stop. It felt strange to be outside alone, after a weekend of having Rachel practically glued to her side. For much of the weekend, at any given moment, it was easy to pretend that everything was normal between them. It wasn't the penthouse, but her apartment had actually felt almost cozy. Like a home again.

Rachel's things were still there - Nina figured it was easy enough to haul them back to her parents' place when or if she decided she was ready to return - but now that Rachel had left for work and Nina was back to her usual solitary commute, it put things back in perspective. Rachel stayed with her because she had to, not because she had wanted to spend time with Nina. If not for being attacked, Rachel probably wouldn't have spoken to Nina, much less volunteered to spend any time with her. And this weekend notwithstanding, Nina had hurt Rachel deeply, and did not deserve understanding, much less forgiveness. She reminded herself of these things and lowered her gaze further as she continued walking.

* * *

"Finally!" Nina muttered to herself as she entered her code and opened the door. Not only had she missed the first train but the second had run very late. She waved to Rachel as she passed her office, and made a beeline for the break room to deposit her lunch in the fridge. She caught sight of Bill as she exited, and turned to head for her office as swiftly as possible, but his voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Nice to see you believe in showing up on time."

Nina sighed and turned around. "I'm sorry I'm late. What do you want?"

"Oh, just wondering how much pushing you 'needed to do' this weekend." His eyes bored into hers as he went on. "You two are looking rather friendly considering what you made her do. Or did you push her to like it, too?"

The thought of forcing Rachel into any type of intimacy sickened Nina, hitting her like a sucker punch to the stomach. She closed her eyes briefly and shook her head. "The only pushing I did this weekend—on her request—was so she could get to my apartment, nothing else. Look," she said, meeting his gaze, "I know I screwed up, OK? If there was a way to make up for it, I would, but I can't. I will live with what I did to her for the rest of my life. The last thing I want to do is hurt her now." She turned to go to her office, this time meeting no resistance. She settled into her chair and wiped a tear away from the corner of one eye as she started the laptop up to begin.

* * *

Nina had only been working for a few minutes when a knock sounded at her office door. Rachel opened it and poked her head inside. "Mind if I come in?"

Nina blinked; it was the first time she'd seen Rachel at her office. "Sure," she said.

Rachel's eyes quickly scanned the small room before she sat down on the chair across from Nina. Her gaze settled on Nina, quiet, assessing. Nina ducked her head under the focus and tried to keep working until Rachel spoke, but it was a useless attempt.

Finally Rachel spoke. "I overheard your conversation with Bill."

Nina thought of his insinuations and winced visibly.

"Yeah, he got an earful from me," Rachel said. "But that's not why I'm here." She studied Nina a few seconds longer. "How often do you think about what happened at the club?"

Nina dropped her eyes to her hands in her lap to avoid looking at Rachel's face. "Every day," she said softly.

Rachel tilted her head. "You drag yourself through that guilt all the time?" she asked.

"So I can't ever repeat it. The things I've done… to you, to the team, to my family…" Nina trailed off.

"You don't deserve a life sentence, Nina," said Rachel, shaking her head.

Nina's answer came in a barely-audible whisper. "Yes, I do." The next three words from Rachel's mouth jerked Nina's head up in shock.

"I forgive you."

Nina stared at Rachel, her lower lip quivering with barely-suppressed emotion. "You—you can't—"

"I can and I have. And you need to stop beating yourself up over what you've done. It isn't healthy," Rachel admonished.

"I don't want to hurt you again," said Nina.

"Then don't. But the past is past, and it needs to stay there. And the person I see in front of me right now isn't the same one who hurt me, and she needs to forgive herself for the mistakes she's made so she can move on."

Nina found herself completely unable to speak, swallowing hard as the tears returned. Through blurry vision she saw Rachel get up from the chair and come around the desk. Warm arms slipped around her shoulders and pulled her against Rachel's body. She sniffled and wrapped her arms around Rachel as one of Rachel's hands tucked a lock of hair behind Nina's ears.

Rachel stood patiently holding Nina against her until Nina's sniffling ceased and she leaned back in her chair. Nina wiped her eyes. "Probably should get back to work, considering how late I got in," she said.

"Meet you at lunchtime, then?" asked Rachel.

"I'd like that," Nina said with a small smile.

Rachel turned to leave, but paused at the doorway and looked back. "I'm going to take advantage of your offer to stay with you. Even with therapy, I'm not sure when I'll be ready to be alone at night." Nina nodded, and Rachel went on. "But maybe… if I make it permanent, do you think you could move somewhere with a little more space - and hopefully less noisy neighbors?" she asked.

It took a moment for Nina to process what Rachel was suggesting. Slowly, a large, genuine smile spread across her face. "Yeah, I think that could be arranged."

Rachel smiled back. "See you, then," she said. She exited Nina's office, leaving Nina with the first feelings of happiness that she could remember feeling in a long time.

Nina had wrecked a good number of relationships in her life. Each time, she'd either had to push - or move on from her failures. This time, however, she had suddenly been given the option to repair the damage. She still didn't feel like she deserved it, but Rachel did. It was somewhere to begin.

**Author's Note:**

> Focusing this story so much on Nina meant that there's quite a great deal of Rachel's story that can't be told, but I saw no good way to work it in. I also don't want to make light of any of the trauma she suffered; she's still dealing with a lot, but I think that makes her offer of forgiveness to Nina all the more gracious.


End file.
